I would love to write something clever and witty but at the moment my head is filled with BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Hammering, the gnashing and grating sounds of heavy equipment and men barking orders at this one guy who must be "the" bitch". I think that has bothered me the most today is seeing this guy hauling and loading, probably sweating his ass off, while the others stand around watching and sipping their coffee.
That aside, I just got back from a visit with my mom at the Cape. The girls weren't too much trouble and we kept busy; the kids played mini golf, we hit the beach, and went to a great party at a friends house. I feel more at home there than I do here in CT. This town hangs over my head like a black cloud, it'll never be home to me. I am always homesick and have that feeling of being displaced.
Could be that it's a Pisces thing, or perhaps I was a pirate in my past life, I don't know...But I'm an ocean girl. Even during winter I love it. I'd love to live in a cottage at the top of a rocky cliff and listen to the waves crashing below. What a romantic notion, lol, but that's what I'd like.
So my mom insisted that we eat breakfast at one of the local Cafes, and that I must try the multi-grain pancakes and.....breakfast salad. I'm not a granola crunchin', oat munching kinda chick but I enjoy most food so figured I'd humor the Madre....And I won't be doing it again!! The hippies and health freaks- and apparently my mom; can all keep their multi-grain pancakes! It's just not right! If I want healthy I'll eat an apple. Speaking of healthy, why is it so damn hard for me to go to the gym and stay committed? It's like I have the Angel on the shoulder telling me "Go! Think of all the great clothes you'll be able to wear!!" And of course the Devil saying "Fuck it! Have your coffee and bagel! For all your hard work, you still won't look good naked!" Bastard!
I just don't want to morph into some fat old hag with several chins. I want to age with my dignity intact, not with boob sweat stains on my shirt or that sour cheesy smell *gagging* that fat old people are known for. I want to still be able to lean over and paint my toenails slut red even when I'm 80! Life freaks me out sometimes, like now...Because I'm afraid of aging, of becoming slowed down by arthritis, disease, the inevitable and things that I have little control over. So I go to the damn gym, I have no addictions except for coffee, so therefore my self esteem wavers. I LOVE smoking cigarettes. I do. But obviously it's an expensive self destructive habit which I put down 6 years ago. So to maintain the element of control, I only smoke when I drink, which I don't do nearly as often I'd like;) Aaaaahhh! Craziness...The human mind...The demons we fight and life goes on regardless.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
~Glad to be me~
I sure as hell wouldn't want to be anyone else but...
I am not, when all is said and done; a diva.
Well maybe I am- but without the attitude! I can't stand bitches! I seldom feel any connection with women and have found many of them to be competitive, snarky, and two faced. Or maybe I'm just a snob, or unfriendly...But I don't think so;) I've got some cool girlfriends who understand why I don't call...They know that I love them but I'm busy with kids, work, house, family. They understand the difference between an anti-social snob and a tired mother. So I don't need to explain myself to them. I make the time when I have it. And I call when I know I won't be interrupted.
I don't know why I brought this up. Maybe it's me just feeling guilty that I haven't had a girls night out in forever...Kinda hard when the man's workin' 3rd shift and I'm collecting unemployment...It sucks, but there it is... I'm so bored!! I want to go dancing, smoke a joint, dye my hair a funky color, have a sweaty sex marathon, listen to my music instead of the repetitive "There's a Party in My Tummy" song on Yo Gabba Gabba! I want to wear the sexy summer clothes that are hanging in my closet! I'm restless and my mind is in overdrive, the clock is ticking and I'm just spinning my wheels...This too shall pass I'm sure.
I am criticized by certain people for being anti- social but I want to make it clear that I'm just not interested in your mundane, booze fueled, redneck inner circle. So take your Budweiser, shiny nail polish, crappy music and bare feet and just fuck off. Lol...damn.
Truth is, I love my own company...After the kids are in bed, I can write, play with my Tarot cards, light my incense and candles, drink a beer or two and chill. I don't know a single soul who does that. And that's fine...Really!
I am not, when all is said and done; a diva.
Well maybe I am- but without the attitude! I can't stand bitches! I seldom feel any connection with women and have found many of them to be competitive, snarky, and two faced. Or maybe I'm just a snob, or unfriendly...But I don't think so;) I've got some cool girlfriends who understand why I don't call...They know that I love them but I'm busy with kids, work, house, family. They understand the difference between an anti-social snob and a tired mother. So I don't need to explain myself to them. I make the time when I have it. And I call when I know I won't be interrupted.
I don't know why I brought this up. Maybe it's me just feeling guilty that I haven't had a girls night out in forever...Kinda hard when the man's workin' 3rd shift and I'm collecting unemployment...It sucks, but there it is... I'm so bored!! I want to go dancing, smoke a joint, dye my hair a funky color, have a sweaty sex marathon, listen to my music instead of the repetitive "There's a Party in My Tummy" song on Yo Gabba Gabba! I want to wear the sexy summer clothes that are hanging in my closet! I'm restless and my mind is in overdrive, the clock is ticking and I'm just spinning my wheels...This too shall pass I'm sure.
I am criticized by certain people for being anti- social but I want to make it clear that I'm just not interested in your mundane, booze fueled, redneck inner circle. So take your Budweiser, shiny nail polish, crappy music and bare feet and just fuck off. Lol...damn.
Truth is, I love my own company...After the kids are in bed, I can write, play with my Tarot cards, light my incense and candles, drink a beer or two and chill. I don't know a single soul who does that. And that's fine...Really!
Friday, July 9, 2010
I took my mom to Gettysburg Pa for her birthday as she is a HUGE Civil War buff...I am convinced she was a soldier in her past life....
It took us about 6 hours to get there, thank God for GPS!!!!
We stayed at the beautiful Brafferton Inn (which is actually a B&B) downtown Gettysburg....It was the first house built in (I think, 1786) the town and it's fantastic...
So our first day we got settled in, made an attempt at shopping but a lot of the stores were souvenir shops and antique dealers selling a lot of Civil War era costumes and repros of just serious junk. Then we went and grabbed dinner at a pub nearby and the food wasn't all that great, my beer was cold so I guess that counts for something...Afterward we went on a candlelight ghost tour. My mom and I were a bit sceptical at first because there were a lot of children and it just seemed like it was going to be super gay. It was however, super cool as they split us in two groups and our tour guide was a great story teller.
Let me just say it wasn't a ghost hunt or anything like that....She just took us to places that were used as field hospitals or to hold Confederate prisoners, buildings that withstood cannon fire (and one building still has a cannon ball stuck in the brick!!), roads that were used as battleground. Essentially the whole town is a giant graveyard. I took a ton of pictures on my moms camera so unfortunately I have none to post here. But I will post the pics that I took asap...There are unexplainable figures in some of them and can't be anything other than paranormal...They will blow your mind!!
We went to one of the reenactments on Saturday, which was okay...I was expecting to be front & center of this great battle just to get the feel for it, ya know? We did have great seats but it was still like sitting in the nosebleed section because they "fought" waaaaaaay across the field!!! WTF??? Then we meandered on over to the tents and I bought some maple candy (mmmm) but passed on the iron skillets and wooden combs;) I endured quite well, I think!
But the most amazing part of our trip was seeing the battlefields and walking on them. The fact that American soldiers fought eachother on that ground and that thousands, yes thousands were slaughtered among those beautiful fields and green hills, is sadly ironic. It's hard to imagine it happening but for the fantastic monuments that tell you where each battle took place and was fought by whom. It went on for miles and miles.... And my mom, who has read many stories about the young men and boys who gave up their youth and their lives for the cause, walked out in those fields and cried for them. Prayed for their souls....Because none of them should be forgotten. I'm glad she was able to finally do that, I know it was important to her.
I really didn't think it would move me the way it did. You can feel the horror of the past and even on a beautiful sunny day it can give you chills. The field in the picture is where Pickets Charge took place, it's where the Union kicked the souths ass and where the most lives were lost during the war.
With that said, I advise you- if you ever visit Gettysburg PA make sure you stay at the Brafferton B&B. And for the love of God- DO NOT EAT AT THE FARNSWORTH HOUSE INN!!!! Their food sucks out loud and is so damn bad, portions so small, prices so high, I couldn't stop laughing! I laughed till I cried and just couldn't help it. It was so bad, it was funny!
So that sums up only a bit of our trip to Gettysburg, I can't wait to go back <3>
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Thinking.....Again
So I just finished reading a book called "The Shack" that my friend Carol lent me....It's a work of fiction about a man who's little girl was abducted and murdered and how him and his family have coped (or not) with such an unspeakable tragedy, to make a long story short- he goes to the shack where she died and meets God and spends a weekend with him....
I'm not into God books, fiction or non...I didn't know this was going to be one until I started reading it and I must say it has stirred something inside me. It was one of the most saddest, yet comforting books I've ever read.
My comfort was short lived though because the way God was described in this book is the way I would like to believe he truly is, should he exist. That he's someone who has a sense of humor, loves us unconditionally, has compassion...That he makes his presence known to those who are dying, suffering and scared. And comforts them.
As I said, I would like to believe that, but it's hard for me to wrap my sceptical head around such a notion. I wish I could believe the way so many others do! I would never be scared again, I'd probably have less anxiety, I wouldn't feel so utterly helpless and alone when someone I love passes away.
In that book it talks about relationship, living through Jesus and unloading our burdens on him. That those of us who live independently from God (like myself) are living in the dark and so on...
But then it goes on to explain that God is with us wherever we go and that religious institutions aren't necessary to have a relationship with him (which alleviates some guilt for not going to church). But it also explains why God doesn't step in and stop children from dying (ugh, the thought alone sickens me), or end wars, or prevent tragic events...It's a hard pill to swallow but it makes sense...If it were true; my trouble is believing.
I am more aware of things now, where as before I didn't give much thought to how I constantly judge people (myself included)...How often someone will cut me off while I'm driving and I call them an asshole! More than likely, they probably are...Or at the very least, inconsiderate! But it's not me they'll have to answer to...But I will try and not be so quick to point my finger or form an opinion before I get all the info. I really just want to be a better person.
Personally I would like good, solid proof that God exists and loves us! The bible just doesn't cut it for me! I do appreciate the beauty in the world and different cultures, the miracles of modern technology and medicine, a spectacular sunset, and most of all the love of my children! These things make me feel closer to a higher power- Not going to church!
I prefer to sit and meditate in a field under the open sky and speak to my creator whether it be a he, she, or it....That's when I feel a connection.
It's funny how as we get older some of us grow curious as to why we're here, living this life, and wondering who is responsible for this beautiful but very fucked up mess? Where we'll eventually end up when our story's over...Will there be a sequel?
I really think too much, it's no wonder I live on 800mg ibuprofen!!
Maybe if I didn't have children this wouldn't matter to me as much...Or that I'm 31 and am at war with maturity and responsibility, lol....I just don't know.
I'm not into God books, fiction or non...I didn't know this was going to be one until I started reading it and I must say it has stirred something inside me. It was one of the most saddest, yet comforting books I've ever read.
My comfort was short lived though because the way God was described in this book is the way I would like to believe he truly is, should he exist. That he's someone who has a sense of humor, loves us unconditionally, has compassion...That he makes his presence known to those who are dying, suffering and scared. And comforts them.
As I said, I would like to believe that, but it's hard for me to wrap my sceptical head around such a notion. I wish I could believe the way so many others do! I would never be scared again, I'd probably have less anxiety, I wouldn't feel so utterly helpless and alone when someone I love passes away.
In that book it talks about relationship, living through Jesus and unloading our burdens on him. That those of us who live independently from God (like myself) are living in the dark and so on...
But then it goes on to explain that God is with us wherever we go and that religious institutions aren't necessary to have a relationship with him (which alleviates some guilt for not going to church). But it also explains why God doesn't step in and stop children from dying (ugh, the thought alone sickens me), or end wars, or prevent tragic events...It's a hard pill to swallow but it makes sense...If it were true; my trouble is believing.
I am more aware of things now, where as before I didn't give much thought to how I constantly judge people (myself included)...How often someone will cut me off while I'm driving and I call them an asshole! More than likely, they probably are...Or at the very least, inconsiderate! But it's not me they'll have to answer to...But I will try and not be so quick to point my finger or form an opinion before I get all the info. I really just want to be a better person.
Personally I would like good, solid proof that God exists and loves us! The bible just doesn't cut it for me! I do appreciate the beauty in the world and different cultures, the miracles of modern technology and medicine, a spectacular sunset, and most of all the love of my children! These things make me feel closer to a higher power- Not going to church!
I prefer to sit and meditate in a field under the open sky and speak to my creator whether it be a he, she, or it....That's when I feel a connection.
It's funny how as we get older some of us grow curious as to why we're here, living this life, and wondering who is responsible for this beautiful but very fucked up mess? Where we'll eventually end up when our story's over...Will there be a sequel?
I really think too much, it's no wonder I live on 800mg ibuprofen!!
Maybe if I didn't have children this wouldn't matter to me as much...Or that I'm 31 and am at war with maturity and responsibility, lol....I just don't know.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
What comes next?
I hate to be a morbid buzz kill... But then what can you expect from someone who loves to walk around cemeteries, listens to goth music, and watches Ghost Adventures? Death is no stranger to me, as it's taken friends and loved ones of mine away. Without hesitation, without mercy. It's always frequent and on time. It has no regard for age or sex. And it's such a done deal and so fucking final that it's silence is almost deafening.
I'm not obsessed with death or dying but I am certainly aware of its presence. Especially now that I'm getting older, and so is my mom and my children's grandparents. And the circle continues as it has for thousands of years.
I had a dream (or nightmare?) last night that I was trying to hang myself. I had a long leather belt thrown over a ceiling beam and it was tied around my neck. I was standing on some kind of laundry basket (damn laundry!) and would step off it, but the pain and pressure was excruciating and so I'd step back onto the basket...And I did this several times. So while this was going on, I kept thinking to myself that I want to live, I want to be with my girls and Troy, safe in my home. I was afraid of dying and being alone in some purgatory, or lost in the dark. It didn't seem peaceful, it seemed scary!! What really bothers me though, is that I had a similar dream the other night that my dad killed himself...This doesn't sit well with me. I am not close to my dad. I haven't seen or talked to him in years now, but I don't hate him. I wish he was a part of my life and I wish he loved me and my children...How can a parent not love their child? I'll never figure that one out...But I have given up any notion of having a relationship with him. He's a very unstable, insecure, irresponsible man who caused a lot of pain and hardship for my mom and I. But he's also funny, great with little kids (my fondest memories of him are from my early childhood), he was a good listener, we listened to the same music. I love him, and I wish him happiness. Period.
So I hope these odd-ball dreams go away. I'm tired, and life's troubles disturb my sleep all too often.
I'm not obsessed with death or dying but I am certainly aware of its presence. Especially now that I'm getting older, and so is my mom and my children's grandparents. And the circle continues as it has for thousands of years.
I had a dream (or nightmare?) last night that I was trying to hang myself. I had a long leather belt thrown over a ceiling beam and it was tied around my neck. I was standing on some kind of laundry basket (damn laundry!) and would step off it, but the pain and pressure was excruciating and so I'd step back onto the basket...And I did this several times. So while this was going on, I kept thinking to myself that I want to live, I want to be with my girls and Troy, safe in my home. I was afraid of dying and being alone in some purgatory, or lost in the dark. It didn't seem peaceful, it seemed scary!! What really bothers me though, is that I had a similar dream the other night that my dad killed himself...This doesn't sit well with me. I am not close to my dad. I haven't seen or talked to him in years now, but I don't hate him. I wish he was a part of my life and I wish he loved me and my children...How can a parent not love their child? I'll never figure that one out...But I have given up any notion of having a relationship with him. He's a very unstable, insecure, irresponsible man who caused a lot of pain and hardship for my mom and I. But he's also funny, great with little kids (my fondest memories of him are from my early childhood), he was a good listener, we listened to the same music. I love him, and I wish him happiness. Period.
So I hope these odd-ball dreams go away. I'm tired, and life's troubles disturb my sleep all too often.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Wheels turning in my head once again
It was a fantastic weekend; hot, humid, busy and for the most part--fun. Friday was, as usual, a fucking fiasco but there's no avoiding it...So Saturday was a great day to go up to White Flower Farm and wander through the greenhouses. Gardening has become my passion...I'm desperate to grow gorgeous flowers and watch my shrubs and creeping phlox thrive. I love getting my hands dirty and helping to create new life and beauty in this world...Even if it is only in my yard:) So I took my girls with me in the hopes that they'd enjoy themselves. Sigh. Sometimes I just need to stop and pull my head outta my ass...How could I have assumed that my daughters could go ANYWHERE without arguing??? We could be anywhere from the Eiffel Tower to the pearly gates of heaven and they'd still find something to piss and moan about! Aaargh! It's so frustrating because my only intention is to have fun and enjoy the day with them, not be a friggin' referee! I swear I should just walk around with a fucking scoreboard around my neck!
So I still managed to grab a pretty shrub and a few hostas while Sage & Savannah raided the cookies and lemonade in the store...Hey, whatever it takes!
Afterward, we managed a peaceful walk around the boardwalk in Litchfield...Love that place, it holds so many special memories for me.
Soooo, Saturday night started out with planting said shrubs and drinking a beer, compliments of friend/nieghbor/cousin Jen;) who found me sweating and up to my elbows in dirt! Twenty minutes later it was a literal block party at the end of our road...I still can't figure that one out, but it was fantastic! The street was filled with all of our kids running around, filthy, laughing, free for the moment, and why don't I ever have my damn camera ready??? The men were manning the grill while others started a fire for smores....Or for burning Christmas trees. Why are guys such pyros?? Lol...And us girls, since we're good for nothing but standing around looking pretty, we drank our cocktails and beer...Oh, good times.
Life is too short not to grab these moments by the balls.
So for every pair of shoes I've tripped over in the dark, I'm grateful that their owner is alive and well and I love them no matter how much they frustrate me.
For all my bitching about the inevitable gray hairs that I find; well, honey I'm grateful there's hair dye cuz I'll be needing it real soon;)
Also I must say (as this came up during booze fueled conversation Saturday night) that I am so grateful that I haven't changed much over the last decade. Not to say I couldn't lose a few (ok more than a few) pounds, but overall I'm still recognizable!! I know that sounds gay as hell, but I look good, my hair rules and when I look at pics of myself ten years ago I only notice subtle changes, nothing too drastic. I've seen some people on Facebook that I went to school with and some look great and there are others that got fat, went bald, or totally let themselves go! I wouldn't have known who the hell they were if they hadn't listed their names! I fall somewhere in the middle of these guys- Lol...
Well, maybe I'm just kidding myself. If that's the case then just let me keep on living in my vane fantasy world!! Fuck it....
I could sit here drinking one cup of coffee after another...write about my very average married with children life, but I have to go back to work at my VERY below average, shitty fucking job...Until I figure out what I really want to do. Maybe I'll just get a tummy tuck and go work at Hooters;)
So I still managed to grab a pretty shrub and a few hostas while Sage & Savannah raided the cookies and lemonade in the store...Hey, whatever it takes!
Afterward, we managed a peaceful walk around the boardwalk in Litchfield...Love that place, it holds so many special memories for me.
Soooo, Saturday night started out with planting said shrubs and drinking a beer, compliments of friend/nieghbor/cousin Jen;) who found me sweating and up to my elbows in dirt! Twenty minutes later it was a literal block party at the end of our road...I still can't figure that one out, but it was fantastic! The street was filled with all of our kids running around, filthy, laughing, free for the moment, and why don't I ever have my damn camera ready??? The men were manning the grill while others started a fire for smores....Or for burning Christmas trees. Why are guys such pyros?? Lol...And us girls, since we're good for nothing but standing around looking pretty, we drank our cocktails and beer...Oh, good times.
Life is too short not to grab these moments by the balls.
So for every pair of shoes I've tripped over in the dark, I'm grateful that their owner is alive and well and I love them no matter how much they frustrate me.
For all my bitching about the inevitable gray hairs that I find; well, honey I'm grateful there's hair dye cuz I'll be needing it real soon;)
Also I must say (as this came up during booze fueled conversation Saturday night) that I am so grateful that I haven't changed much over the last decade. Not to say I couldn't lose a few (ok more than a few) pounds, but overall I'm still recognizable!! I know that sounds gay as hell, but I look good, my hair rules and when I look at pics of myself ten years ago I only notice subtle changes, nothing too drastic. I've seen some people on Facebook that I went to school with and some look great and there are others that got fat, went bald, or totally let themselves go! I wouldn't have known who the hell they were if they hadn't listed their names! I fall somewhere in the middle of these guys- Lol...
Well, maybe I'm just kidding myself. If that's the case then just let me keep on living in my vane fantasy world!! Fuck it....
I could sit here drinking one cup of coffee after another...write about my very average married with children life, but I have to go back to work at my VERY below average, shitty fucking job...Until I figure out what I really want to do. Maybe I'll just get a tummy tuck and go work at Hooters;)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Just a thought....
Why do people break up with someone, only to hook up with someone who shares certain interests and physical features of their ex? Such as style, music, likes ,dislikes etc...I just find it odd....The only thing any of my ex's have in common with my husband is music/ musicians/alcohol issues....I've always liked variety....I think dorky guys can be cute but I prefer big tall guys....Like my husband, and he's got very dark hair and eyes (lord knows where our daughter came from! She looks just like him but has blond hair and my blue eyes:o) Yay for that!
But sticking to the subject, I can understand going for someone who shares common interests, makes sense. But I personally have never gone out with guys that share certain physical features. I wouldn't want to confuse them with my ex!! Lol...seriously! My last boyfriend before I met Troy was tall, blond, muscular, very good looking....and an alcoholic:o(
The one before him was psychotic, dorky, wore glasses and was a fuckin' pothead:o(
Sage's dad was tall, slim/muscular (at the time), had red hair and was an alcoholic:o(
And the biggest fuckhead I ever dated was a curly haired Italian runt...and a major drug addict....Do you not notice the pattern? They all looked different, each one had (some) likeable qualities , a couple were musicians, but they were all substance abusers.
Even my husband has alcohol issues, I won't lie. It's made our relationship/marriage extremely difficult at times. We were in our early 20's when we hooked up and I just figured he'd outgrow it.
I just wonder what it is within ourselves that draws us to a certain kind of person? I never sought out drug users and alcoholics. I used to enjoy doing that shit too but it never was an issue for me until someone else got involved. I kind of contradict myself, I know. I wouldn't have been hooking up with losers if I hadn't been hanging around with them and taking part in the "fun". But I was just having a good time, I wasn't looking to invest in a life of addiction.
And so I met Troy and saw someone who liked to have fun. Too much fun, but unlike the others he had a good sense of responsibility. He seemed "normal", I knew he wasn't a pervert that would try to molest my child, he had a good job and went to work nomatter what. He was going to school to further his career. I was attracted to that because I'm no slouch. I've lived on my own, was a single mother, took care of myself and my child without help from the state. Wasn't easy. But I was happy, I didn't need a man to support my ass or make me happy. I didn't need Troy (or want him at first, lol...) but eventually I did want him:o)
What sets him apart from the others is that he sees the error of his ways, he makes an effort to right the wrongs, he's a good father, a good provider and a huge pain in my ass, but he's mine. No ones perfect,but I can only put up with so much bullshit and I think he knows that.
*Sigh*
I'm past tired and this rant was weird, but I just couldn't help thinking about it today...I'm always facinated by what the human race has up it's sleeve....
But sticking to the subject, I can understand going for someone who shares common interests, makes sense. But I personally have never gone out with guys that share certain physical features. I wouldn't want to confuse them with my ex!! Lol...seriously! My last boyfriend before I met Troy was tall, blond, muscular, very good looking....and an alcoholic:o(
The one before him was psychotic, dorky, wore glasses and was a fuckin' pothead:o(
Sage's dad was tall, slim/muscular (at the time), had red hair and was an alcoholic:o(
And the biggest fuckhead I ever dated was a curly haired Italian runt...and a major drug addict....Do you not notice the pattern? They all looked different, each one had (some) likeable qualities , a couple were musicians, but they were all substance abusers.
Even my husband has alcohol issues, I won't lie. It's made our relationship/marriage extremely difficult at times. We were in our early 20's when we hooked up and I just figured he'd outgrow it.
I just wonder what it is within ourselves that draws us to a certain kind of person? I never sought out drug users and alcoholics. I used to enjoy doing that shit too but it never was an issue for me until someone else got involved. I kind of contradict myself, I know. I wouldn't have been hooking up with losers if I hadn't been hanging around with them and taking part in the "fun". But I was just having a good time, I wasn't looking to invest in a life of addiction.
And so I met Troy and saw someone who liked to have fun. Too much fun, but unlike the others he had a good sense of responsibility. He seemed "normal", I knew he wasn't a pervert that would try to molest my child, he had a good job and went to work nomatter what. He was going to school to further his career. I was attracted to that because I'm no slouch. I've lived on my own, was a single mother, took care of myself and my child without help from the state. Wasn't easy. But I was happy, I didn't need a man to support my ass or make me happy. I didn't need Troy (or want him at first, lol...) but eventually I did want him:o)
What sets him apart from the others is that he sees the error of his ways, he makes an effort to right the wrongs, he's a good father, a good provider and a huge pain in my ass, but he's mine. No ones perfect,but I can only put up with so much bullshit and I think he knows that.
*Sigh*
I'm past tired and this rant was weird, but I just couldn't help thinking about it today...I'm always facinated by what the human race has up it's sleeve....
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
*Happy 420*
Not like I get to enjoy it but I can reminisce on old memories....yes I can;)
It's really great to be back with old friends...Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be sitting around a table drinking beer again with Carol, Bea & Bri...It's funny because we all quit smoking cigarettes....years ago we'd be sitting in a cloud (of not just cigarette smoke either) and I just remember watching it swirl as we moved around the room. Now we have kids and have to watch our language and we have jobs that require us to be good...well, I do anyway:o( We must be good, well behaved adults, lol. You'd think that after driving a bus full of noisy kids, and dealing with asshole drivers on the road all day- that it would be great to come home, plug in my ipod and spark up a dooby! Damn...
When I was about 14 I met my friend Stacy, and honestly I tried to keep up, but that girl could smoke me under the table! Sorry Stac - But you of all people were the most hardcore chic I ever knew! Lol...But I thank you for putting up with me! Hope you don't mind me mentioning it.
I consider myself lucky to have been a teenager in the 90's...The music was awesome, I had cool friends, got my first tattoo, rollerskating was still considered cool, you could still party in the parking lot at what used to be called "The Meadows"...And no, the "parties" that go on there now can't even come close to the chaotic days of old.
My bedroom window was like the 420 drive-thru...My friends and I would be chillin' in my room listening to Nirvana and I used to have a green lightbulb and would turn it on at night so the neighborhood kids would come by.
Yeah, maybe it was "Loser Central", call it whatever you like - But I called it a damn good time. I guess I was your typical parents worst nightmare for awhile, but it's all good.
I could write a book, but my life has been rather ordinary so my stories would be comparable to many of my peers. It was fun though, and some crazy shit went down...But some stories are better left untold. Except for the one time when I was 17, I was buzzed on codine cough syrup (yuck) and my stepfather comes in my room carrying a big paper bag (picture a cross between Chong and Big Lebowski), and drops it on my bed. He's like "I don't need these anymore so I thought you might like em", then walks out (he really was a major asshole, this was one of the few times he showed any coolness).
Inside, the bag was full of bongs from the late 60's and early 70's.
They were the craziest looking things (and worked great).
Don't know what I did with them....But they are long gone now...
I really am not the most liberal person and I don't condone drug use. I've seen what hardcore drug use has done to people and have known many that have died from using them....But I have yet to see anyone O.D on weed.
I never sucked someones dick as a trade off for weed...Never that desperate, sorry! Nor did I lie, cheat and steal to get weed, however I was likely to raid your cabinets for food when struck with the munchies - that's it.
I was never addicted to it. However it's probably to blame for my lack of motivation to do anything useful career-wise. But whatever.....
That's my drug addled rant of the day...Peace!
It's really great to be back with old friends...Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be sitting around a table drinking beer again with Carol, Bea & Bri...It's funny because we all quit smoking cigarettes....years ago we'd be sitting in a cloud (of not just cigarette smoke either) and I just remember watching it swirl as we moved around the room. Now we have kids and have to watch our language and we have jobs that require us to be good...well, I do anyway:o( We must be good, well behaved adults, lol. You'd think that after driving a bus full of noisy kids, and dealing with asshole drivers on the road all day- that it would be great to come home, plug in my ipod and spark up a dooby! Damn...
When I was about 14 I met my friend Stacy, and honestly I tried to keep up, but that girl could smoke me under the table! Sorry Stac - But you of all people were the most hardcore chic I ever knew! Lol...But I thank you for putting up with me! Hope you don't mind me mentioning it.
I consider myself lucky to have been a teenager in the 90's...The music was awesome, I had cool friends, got my first tattoo, rollerskating was still considered cool, you could still party in the parking lot at what used to be called "The Meadows"...And no, the "parties" that go on there now can't even come close to the chaotic days of old.
My bedroom window was like the 420 drive-thru...My friends and I would be chillin' in my room listening to Nirvana and I used to have a green lightbulb and would turn it on at night so the neighborhood kids would come by.
Yeah, maybe it was "Loser Central", call it whatever you like - But I called it a damn good time. I guess I was your typical parents worst nightmare for awhile, but it's all good.
I could write a book, but my life has been rather ordinary so my stories would be comparable to many of my peers. It was fun though, and some crazy shit went down...But some stories are better left untold. Except for the one time when I was 17, I was buzzed on codine cough syrup (yuck) and my stepfather comes in my room carrying a big paper bag (picture a cross between Chong and Big Lebowski), and drops it on my bed. He's like "I don't need these anymore so I thought you might like em", then walks out (he really was a major asshole, this was one of the few times he showed any coolness).
Inside, the bag was full of bongs from the late 60's and early 70's.
They were the craziest looking things (and worked great).
Don't know what I did with them....But they are long gone now...
I really am not the most liberal person and I don't condone drug use. I've seen what hardcore drug use has done to people and have known many that have died from using them....But I have yet to see anyone O.D on weed.
I never sucked someones dick as a trade off for weed...Never that desperate, sorry! Nor did I lie, cheat and steal to get weed, however I was likely to raid your cabinets for food when struck with the munchies - that's it.
I was never addicted to it. However it's probably to blame for my lack of motivation to do anything useful career-wise. But whatever.....
That's my drug addled rant of the day...Peace!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Random crap...
First order of the day is coffee!
I'm really trying to just pick up and move foward. Work started back up this week (bluuurg) and my garden needs tending to.
I never realized weeds could be such a relentless enemy! Who knew?
As you may know (or not) I've been grieving the loss of Peter Steele of my favorite band Type O Negative. A talented and troubled man... I take these things to heart...I really do. I took this news very hard....But I can't lay down and die with him (I think Troy would be a little bit pissed;).
So I'm cleaning, blogging, and I'll tackle those fucking weeds later.
I'm really hoping that Sage pulls her head out of her ass and buckles down in school...The year's almost over and my hair's steadily turning gray!
We always picture our kids doing better than us and I feel that's how it should be. I don't pray often, and when I do I usually end up falling asleep in the process *sigh* but I'm praying that she'll pull it together and show her libtard teachers what she's made of (I mean come on, she's my kid! Let's kick some ass!)
I sucked in school too- However, I had a few distractions such as my parents divorce which was rather messy, relocation, death, health issues and a whole bunch of other shit to keep my mind off any academic subject matter. My daughter has never known that kind of life, she didn't have to grow up fast. Instead she acts like a clueless 12 year old who takes everything for granted! WTF???? I'm at a loss.... And I'm tired of dwelling on it because it depresses me to no end.
So how 'bout that "How To Train Your Dragon" movie??? Anyone see it?
I thought it was fantastic, or course that's the advantage to having children- I get to relive my childhood vicariously through them. I took the girls to see it Saturday night, we ate popcorn doused with extra butter, Reeces pieces, diet soda (why bother, I know...) and I'm sure it all went straight to my ass.
Great! But it cheered me up and the girls seemed to enjoy it.
I also took them to that Indian Meuseum in Washington last Thursday. I could've sworn it was much cooler than it really was. I went as a child and I thought it was great. Wasn't there a tee-pee? Or some such shit? Because all they had was a bunch of clay pots and arrow heads (big fuckin' deal) and a few huts out back made of tree bark! I was sorely disappointed! Here I thought I was being a really awesome parent by taking my kids to see something cultural, some early American history and all that....It sucked out loud, don't waste your time going there, seriously.
On that happy note, I'm done with my coffee, the dog's scratching at the door and the laundry's not going to fold itself so ....that's all folks;P
I'm really trying to just pick up and move foward. Work started back up this week (bluuurg) and my garden needs tending to.
I never realized weeds could be such a relentless enemy! Who knew?
As you may know (or not) I've been grieving the loss of Peter Steele of my favorite band Type O Negative. A talented and troubled man... I take these things to heart...I really do. I took this news very hard....But I can't lay down and die with him (I think Troy would be a little bit pissed;).
So I'm cleaning, blogging, and I'll tackle those fucking weeds later.
I'm really hoping that Sage pulls her head out of her ass and buckles down in school...The year's almost over and my hair's steadily turning gray!
We always picture our kids doing better than us and I feel that's how it should be. I don't pray often, and when I do I usually end up falling asleep in the process *sigh* but I'm praying that she'll pull it together and show her libtard teachers what she's made of (I mean come on, she's my kid! Let's kick some ass!)
I sucked in school too- However, I had a few distractions such as my parents divorce which was rather messy, relocation, death, health issues and a whole bunch of other shit to keep my mind off any academic subject matter. My daughter has never known that kind of life, she didn't have to grow up fast. Instead she acts like a clueless 12 year old who takes everything for granted! WTF???? I'm at a loss.... And I'm tired of dwelling on it because it depresses me to no end.
So how 'bout that "How To Train Your Dragon" movie??? Anyone see it?
I thought it was fantastic, or course that's the advantage to having children- I get to relive my childhood vicariously through them. I took the girls to see it Saturday night, we ate popcorn doused with extra butter, Reeces pieces, diet soda (why bother, I know...) and I'm sure it all went straight to my ass.
Great! But it cheered me up and the girls seemed to enjoy it.
I also took them to that Indian Meuseum in Washington last Thursday. I could've sworn it was much cooler than it really was. I went as a child and I thought it was great. Wasn't there a tee-pee? Or some such shit? Because all they had was a bunch of clay pots and arrow heads (big fuckin' deal) and a few huts out back made of tree bark! I was sorely disappointed! Here I thought I was being a really awesome parent by taking my kids to see something cultural, some early American history and all that....It sucked out loud, don't waste your time going there, seriously.
On that happy note, I'm done with my coffee, the dog's scratching at the door and the laundry's not going to fold itself so ....that's all folks;P
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Sad
I don't know what it is....If it's the kind of person I am and that's why I'm attracted to those that are doomed, or what -but I am seriously fucking bummed out. I love art and music and I am drawn to the darker side I guess you could say. I love mystery, goth, intrigue and sex (obviously). I adore the band Type O Negative. And I've had a major "thing" for the frontman Peter Steele for years. He's been "the other man" in my life for years and I've always enjoyed making my husband jealous over my infatuation. It was fun, especially with the Playgirl pics (woooooo!!!).
But Peter passed away last night.
They said it was heart failure, but it was probably drugs, it always is. And I can totally understand addiction. When you're a kid, drugs are a way to rebel and have a good time. When you get older it's about easing the hurt in your life, and escaping from the day to day bullshit.
I just can't wrap my head around this one though....My husband and I expected this to happen at some point, however I always dreaded the day I'd have to mourn Peter Steeles death. And here it is, so I'm drinking red wine in his honor and trying to sort out my feelings. Many people would find my reaction stupid, which is fine- whatever. I don't care.
But my soul is aching for comfort and for answers! I don't need to know someone personally to care about them! I've spent many a night listening to Black #1 and September Sun as well as countless other songs by Type O Negative that made me feel alive and happy. I remember being in the audience at Toads Place and feeling a physical and mental connection...It's magic. And if someone can move me that much, then to me they are special. I don't care what their hang ups are. I'm just sorry they have them. And I'm sorry that there will never be another Type O Negative album. I'm sorry that Peter couldn't find happiness in life. Some people, I believe, are just not meant to survive in this world. No matter how tough, tall, strong, or bad a person may seem; they can still be fragile.
I hope there is a God and that he's as good as many seem to believe. I want to believe, but it's so hard. I admire peope who have such faith in God and no doubts whatsoever in his plan for us. I almost envy them because if I had that kind of faith, I probably wouldn't be so down as I am....
But Peter passed away last night.
They said it was heart failure, but it was probably drugs, it always is. And I can totally understand addiction. When you're a kid, drugs are a way to rebel and have a good time. When you get older it's about easing the hurt in your life, and escaping from the day to day bullshit.
I just can't wrap my head around this one though....My husband and I expected this to happen at some point, however I always dreaded the day I'd have to mourn Peter Steeles death. And here it is, so I'm drinking red wine in his honor and trying to sort out my feelings. Many people would find my reaction stupid, which is fine- whatever. I don't care.
But my soul is aching for comfort and for answers! I don't need to know someone personally to care about them! I've spent many a night listening to Black #1 and September Sun as well as countless other songs by Type O Negative that made me feel alive and happy. I remember being in the audience at Toads Place and feeling a physical and mental connection...It's magic. And if someone can move me that much, then to me they are special. I don't care what their hang ups are. I'm just sorry they have them. And I'm sorry that there will never be another Type O Negative album. I'm sorry that Peter couldn't find happiness in life. Some people, I believe, are just not meant to survive in this world. No matter how tough, tall, strong, or bad a person may seem; they can still be fragile.
I hope there is a God and that he's as good as many seem to believe. I want to believe, but it's so hard. I admire peope who have such faith in God and no doubts whatsoever in his plan for us. I almost envy them because if I had that kind of faith, I probably wouldn't be so down as I am....
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I am supremely pissed off at my daughter Sage...I almost feel guilty writing this but honestly I just feel like....fuck it!! If I don't get this off my chest now, I'm gonna blow my fucking cool and it's not gonna be pretty.
Let me start by saying that she absolutely sucks in school...She's never been a very good student but since she's been at TMS she has basically given up on trying, or even caring about getting good grades. And they always seem to mail out the report cards when I have PMS....Perfect timing!!
I'm so tired of her bullshit. Both Troy and I have made ourselves available to help with her homework, we've encouraged and supported her...I've tried to make reports and other projects fun, I've gone to conferences and all her teachers basically said is that Sage just doesn't care.
What...The...Fuck????? Then MAKE her care, you overpaid, overrated, BORING, un- educaters! Why does she come home with 3 hours of goddamn homework?
Why?!
Why do I have to do your fucking job when my tax dollars are paying your useless uncaring asses to do it??! Is it because you're too busy in your pathetic attempts to discipline the Highwoods kids? Or the kids that are trying to be like them? When I asked if my daughter would stay back...I was told no. And believe me it's not that I want her to- but usually when a child is failing everything, they aren't promoted. So I'd like to know how the TMS administration can sit behind their desks in that big brick shithole and promote uneducated kids because they don't know what else to do with them other than stick them in the Upward Bound program! How do they sleep at night?
Of course it's not all the schools fault that my kid is failing. I hold her accountable as well. But I'm so beyond disappointed and I'm tired of trying to convince her that an education is the only way to grow to be financially independent, that it liberates people from the grip of poverty and despair. (AND FROM RELYING ON A MAN TO SUPPORT YOUR SORRY ASS).
I'm so tired of giving her 110% of my love and support when she doesn't even put forth a a little effort. She's only 12, so I refuse to give up without a fight, but damn. What can I do beyond grounding her and taking things away? It doesn't work!
Does that mean I'm fucked?
Because it sure seems that way.
Let me start by saying that she absolutely sucks in school...She's never been a very good student but since she's been at TMS she has basically given up on trying, or even caring about getting good grades. And they always seem to mail out the report cards when I have PMS....Perfect timing!!
I'm so tired of her bullshit. Both Troy and I have made ourselves available to help with her homework, we've encouraged and supported her...I've tried to make reports and other projects fun, I've gone to conferences and all her teachers basically said is that Sage just doesn't care.
What...The...Fuck????? Then MAKE her care, you overpaid, overrated, BORING, un- educaters! Why does she come home with 3 hours of goddamn homework?
Why?!
Why do I have to do your fucking job when my tax dollars are paying your useless uncaring asses to do it??! Is it because you're too busy in your pathetic attempts to discipline the Highwoods kids? Or the kids that are trying to be like them? When I asked if my daughter would stay back...I was told no. And believe me it's not that I want her to- but usually when a child is failing everything, they aren't promoted. So I'd like to know how the TMS administration can sit behind their desks in that big brick shithole and promote uneducated kids because they don't know what else to do with them other than stick them in the Upward Bound program! How do they sleep at night?
Of course it's not all the schools fault that my kid is failing. I hold her accountable as well. But I'm so beyond disappointed and I'm tired of trying to convince her that an education is the only way to grow to be financially independent, that it liberates people from the grip of poverty and despair. (AND FROM RELYING ON A MAN TO SUPPORT YOUR SORRY ASS).
I'm so tired of giving her 110% of my love and support when she doesn't even put forth a a little effort. She's only 12, so I refuse to give up without a fight, but damn. What can I do beyond grounding her and taking things away? It doesn't work!
Does that mean I'm fucked?
Because it sure seems that way.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Thongs on a sunny day.........
I really love the sun and all it's awesome warmth and radiance and I'm really impatient for summer to hurry the fuck up. I swear I have seasonal affective disorder (isn't there a disorder for everything these days?) But seriously, this is why I'm convinced that I would thrive in a warmer climate. I'm ready to go! I want to open my windows and lay out on my deck drinking beer with the music blasting while tanning my cracker white ass! Yup, my neighbors love me.....Not really. I think they feel sorry for Troy and the girls,lol...Oh well, it's their loss that they'll never experience my greatness ;o)
I've been obsessing over my garden (or lack thereof) and have a list of how many bags of mulch I'll need, how many bushes, flowers, and where the hell I should place them! Naturally these things cost money and so I stress over that too. Guess I'm only happy when I have stuff to bitch about....HGTV has really gotten to my head. I never used to care if things matched or were strategically placed. And then I'm thinking; well damn, what if I spend all this money on bushes, poison ivy (for the neighbors,hehe), flowers and the shit just won't grow??? Always the pessimist!
I've taken a break from going to the gym. My knees feel like they've been hit with a sledge hammer. I think I went overboard in my haste to tone up and lose weight. I like instant gratification...If I don't see results in a month or two I get easily discouraged. I don't lose weight easily. I have to sweat and starve and that's just not my thing. I like food, I love how it's made, how it smells....and yes even the comfort it brings me:o) I wish I could have that detached sort of view where some people just consider it the body's fuel without the emotional attachment. Weird. I was able to quit smoking 6 years ago and got that under control, all the bad stuff I did in my youth; I was able to put behind me, I don't drink excessive amounts of alcohol (usually), but losing weight is so ....hard! I was always tiny until I had my girls, I don't eat bad food or even a lot of food for that matter. I eat healthy, but after Savannah came along...Losing 40lbs has become a loathsome task. Aaaaargh! Big is not beautiful, sorry. However, I think I manage to pull it off rather well<3 I'll just keep telling myself that *sigh*.
So I went to Walmart the other day because my daughter Sage was raving that "Everything's on sale mom! We gotta go!" . Okay fine, I headed to the garden area (where else) while she went to look at shoes. A little while later we met up at the register and she's got a pair of flip-flops...Good....And three pairs of THONG PANTIES!!! NOT GOOD!!!! WTF??? She's 12!!! Obviously I told her no way in hell! I didn't know whether to laugh or blow a freakin' gasket! She argued her case for about 5 minutes (at the register no less).
I could see if she was 16 but in my opinion, what the hell does a 12 year want to wear thongs for? To be sexy? She's too young to be sexy! I don't want her to be sexy!! Not at 12....Needless to say she didn't quite get my point of view. Jesus, what's next? Douche? Crotchless panties? Condoms?
I shudder at the thought.
I think that just about wraps it up for today...I've got to do some cleaning before I head back to work, make it look like I've done something besides sit on my ass all day. Looks like the sun might finally make an appearance after all...
I've been obsessing over my garden (or lack thereof) and have a list of how many bags of mulch I'll need, how many bushes, flowers, and where the hell I should place them! Naturally these things cost money and so I stress over that too. Guess I'm only happy when I have stuff to bitch about....HGTV has really gotten to my head. I never used to care if things matched or were strategically placed. And then I'm thinking; well damn, what if I spend all this money on bushes, poison ivy (for the neighbors,hehe), flowers and the shit just won't grow??? Always the pessimist!
I've taken a break from going to the gym. My knees feel like they've been hit with a sledge hammer. I think I went overboard in my haste to tone up and lose weight. I like instant gratification...If I don't see results in a month or two I get easily discouraged. I don't lose weight easily. I have to sweat and starve and that's just not my thing. I like food, I love how it's made, how it smells....and yes even the comfort it brings me:o) I wish I could have that detached sort of view where some people just consider it the body's fuel without the emotional attachment. Weird. I was able to quit smoking 6 years ago and got that under control, all the bad stuff I did in my youth; I was able to put behind me, I don't drink excessive amounts of alcohol (usually), but losing weight is so ....hard! I was always tiny until I had my girls, I don't eat bad food or even a lot of food for that matter. I eat healthy, but after Savannah came along...Losing 40lbs has become a loathsome task. Aaaaargh! Big is not beautiful, sorry. However, I think I manage to pull it off rather well<3 I'll just keep telling myself that *sigh*.
So I went to Walmart the other day because my daughter Sage was raving that "Everything's on sale mom! We gotta go!" . Okay fine, I headed to the garden area (where else) while she went to look at shoes. A little while later we met up at the register and she's got a pair of flip-flops...Good....And three pairs of THONG PANTIES!!! NOT GOOD!!!! WTF??? She's 12!!! Obviously I told her no way in hell! I didn't know whether to laugh or blow a freakin' gasket! She argued her case for about 5 minutes (at the register no less).
I could see if she was 16 but in my opinion, what the hell does a 12 year want to wear thongs for? To be sexy? She's too young to be sexy! I don't want her to be sexy!! Not at 12....Needless to say she didn't quite get my point of view. Jesus, what's next? Douche? Crotchless panties? Condoms?
I shudder at the thought.
I think that just about wraps it up for today...I've got to do some cleaning before I head back to work, make it look like I've done something besides sit on my ass all day. Looks like the sun might finally make an appearance after all...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The drugs and the damage done....
Wow, I just read online that 80's teen actor Corey Haim passed away early this morning! I can't say that I'm shocked, given his history of hard core drug use...But damn. I'm really sad. I was a HUGE die hard fan of his when I was a kid. I remember having sleepovers, eating popcorn and watching The Lost Boys! Or Lucas! Silver Bullet! Dream A Little Dream!
My walls were covered with Corey Haim posters. It's a real tragedy that he chose such a dark and lonely path as he was truly a talented actor. I still think his movies rock.
I really think drug use is a horrible disease, which is obviously terminal in some people. I used to do my share of shit when I was in my teens and early twenties (along with everybody else) and I can understand that pull...It just sucks you in. Whispers nothing but lies in your ear about how beautiful and great you are, how everybody loves you and that everything will be okay now...Some people believe those lies and others smell the bullshit.
So why start in the first place?
Why did I? Because I was bored, wanted to fit in, be the rebel...I never did drugs to escape my "horrible" life, I did them to have fun. But there were times when it got scary...and it wasn't so much fun. You feel desperate...It gets old and your like, where'd everybody go?
I figured it out (at a still very young age thank the gods), drugs weren't my destiny. I could grow up and move on. They may have delayed my progress but hey, better late than never.
But my heart just breaks for those who get caught up and can't move on. I've known so many! They were smart and funny with so much to live for and they just threw it all away. Some are dead, or in jail, and some are forever lost in that cumbersome vortex of addiction.
I consider myself lucky because my dad is among the addicted crowd. But my heart doesn't break for him, as he was an enabler and would have been happy to see me be just like him.
I am lucky, because I had the inner sight to see that life is a gift, it's beautiful in many ways, you have to be strong to survive in this world, and you only get one shot at it so you might as well make it worth your while.
So the world is now short another young and talented person who had so much to give if only he had been a little stronger, and I'm sorry for it. But I also know that there is no peace of mind for an addict who can't quit, who is terminal. My hope is that Corey Haim and those who went before him who never found peace in life, have found peace in death.
Rest in peace guys...
My walls were covered with Corey Haim posters. It's a real tragedy that he chose such a dark and lonely path as he was truly a talented actor. I still think his movies rock.
I really think drug use is a horrible disease, which is obviously terminal in some people. I used to do my share of shit when I was in my teens and early twenties (along with everybody else) and I can understand that pull...It just sucks you in. Whispers nothing but lies in your ear about how beautiful and great you are, how everybody loves you and that everything will be okay now...Some people believe those lies and others smell the bullshit.
So why start in the first place?
Why did I? Because I was bored, wanted to fit in, be the rebel...I never did drugs to escape my "horrible" life, I did them to have fun. But there were times when it got scary...and it wasn't so much fun. You feel desperate...It gets old and your like, where'd everybody go?
I figured it out (at a still very young age thank the gods), drugs weren't my destiny. I could grow up and move on. They may have delayed my progress but hey, better late than never.
But my heart just breaks for those who get caught up and can't move on. I've known so many! They were smart and funny with so much to live for and they just threw it all away. Some are dead, or in jail, and some are forever lost in that cumbersome vortex of addiction.
I consider myself lucky because my dad is among the addicted crowd. But my heart doesn't break for him, as he was an enabler and would have been happy to see me be just like him.
I am lucky, because I had the inner sight to see that life is a gift, it's beautiful in many ways, you have to be strong to survive in this world, and you only get one shot at it so you might as well make it worth your while.
So the world is now short another young and talented person who had so much to give if only he had been a little stronger, and I'm sorry for it. But I also know that there is no peace of mind for an addict who can't quit, who is terminal. My hope is that Corey Haim and those who went before him who never found peace in life, have found peace in death.
Rest in peace guys...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Reality bites.........
What I'd like to know is; how do people get their own shows on HGTV??? Like there's this new show called Blogger mom or some such shit, and out of aaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllll the women who, I'm sure blog about their kids runny noses, bowel size and frequency and the latest line of Gymboree clothes; they pick this one woman to have her OWN show!!! Why? Does she have a degree in motherhood? Blogging? Blow jobs? I'm really curious! Nobody has all the answers. I'm not a stay at home mom, I'm a school bus driver, and more often than not, I come home with a whopping headache only to hear..."What's for dinner?". Is that news?
And that's only the tip of the iceberg....For me and so many others.
What about those moms that have a child (or two) with disabilities or a disease?
Or wild tantrums? Shitty attitudes?
Step-Families??? I could keep on going!
These are tough challenges!
I'm lucky that my girls give me few problems. And yet I'm so fucking tired and my laundry pile makes me want to cry! I try to get it done, I do...and I'm really good at pretending that pile doesn't exist:o)
But as parents, don't we all suffer moments of justifiable insanity?
Why cram another "reality" show on T.V of a "Blogger" mom who does what we all do? Or probably less, for that matter if she's sitting on her ass all day writing. Must be so hard!! Don't even get me started:o) Lol....
My 12 year old just sent me a text telling me that I smell like Chinese nuts...And Savannah is picking her nose like her determination will win her a nose-picker-of-the-year trophy.Get me the hot-sauce!!!
Rather than cleaning the mess in the basement, my husband's off pursuing his dream of being a rockstar *sigh*.
My cat pissed on the stairs, I keep finding random pubic-like hairs on my face( and other random places)I need to pluck...Why do I have zits at 30??? They just don't go well with the gray hairs....Why does my tween act like she's the only one who's ever had a period? What the fuck? And this, in my opinion, is an uneventful day. It's called life people, my reality. A juggling act that women have been performing since the beginning of time. It's worthy of respect, praise and appreciation, but not a reality show.
Sorry.
And that's only the tip of the iceberg....For me and so many others.
What about those moms that have a child (or two) with disabilities or a disease?
Or wild tantrums? Shitty attitudes?
Step-Families??? I could keep on going!
These are tough challenges!
I'm lucky that my girls give me few problems. And yet I'm so fucking tired and my laundry pile makes me want to cry! I try to get it done, I do...and I'm really good at pretending that pile doesn't exist:o)
But as parents, don't we all suffer moments of justifiable insanity?
Why cram another "reality" show on T.V of a "Blogger" mom who does what we all do? Or probably less, for that matter if she's sitting on her ass all day writing. Must be so hard!! Don't even get me started:o) Lol....
My 12 year old just sent me a text telling me that I smell like Chinese nuts...And Savannah is picking her nose like her determination will win her a nose-picker-of-the-year trophy.Get me the hot-sauce!!!
Rather than cleaning the mess in the basement, my husband's off pursuing his dream of being a rockstar *sigh*.
My cat pissed on the stairs, I keep finding random pubic-like hairs on my face( and other random places)I need to pluck...Why do I have zits at 30??? They just don't go well with the gray hairs....Why does my tween act like she's the only one who's ever had a period? What the fuck? And this, in my opinion, is an uneventful day. It's called life people, my reality. A juggling act that women have been performing since the beginning of time. It's worthy of respect, praise and appreciation, but not a reality show.
Sorry.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Okay...Lets be honest
I have moments, like right now, when I tend to dwell on past issues that aren't relevant.They're ancient history but I'm more haunted than I realized because my feelings can get hurt as though I were in 8th grade all over again.
I always wanted to fit in, and I knew that I was just as good as anyone else but because of my "poor breeding" or "lousy pedigree" I would be treated like a second class citizen. Like I was a fucking dog disqualified from a show due to my "flaws". It's so easy to feel angry, and I was always pissed off at life and at the people who were responsible for showing me how to live it.
I sent a friend request to an old classmate of mine who I thought was a cool kid despite his tight-ass rich boy upbringing. He was funny and not biased, or so I thought, and we got along well. Anyway, he ignored my request and I'll admit it stung my pride. I guess Mr. king Shit with the hot shot job couldn't be bothered with the likes of me. Oh well, fuck em'. One thing I can say is that I have to stop blaming my "poor breeding" and dysfunctional childhood for all my problems. Ultimately we choose our own path and I could've chosen not to be a loser. That was my eventual choice but God it took me so long to figure out that in order to have a good life, I had to put down the weed and stop drinking and wallowing in self pity. I had to reinvent myself because those things gave me confidence and without it, I was able to see what a failure I really was. I never voiced these feelings to my husband because he doesn't get it. He watched with a bit of curiosity as I went through some changes and didn't question me. He always loved me regardless. I still like to have a few drinks and shake my booty but I've learned to mellow out, it's not a priority anymore. I'm lucky and everyday is a blessing, though some days I still struggle. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I wish I had a hot shot job but instead I chose to get married and have kids...Or have kids, then get married...Rather;o) Leave it to me to do everything ass backwards. But my girls are well mannered and sweet, Troy and I have a happy and solid marriage. So it doesn't seem fair that I drag my past around like a ball and chain. It shouldn't haunt me anymore. I'd give anything to forget the hurt and embarrassment....the grief.
And so I write, it's therapeutic and helps me put things into perspective. I'm fine...Really. Tomorrow's another day and I'm grateful to be healthy and loved by family and friends. Things aren't always as bad as they seem.
I always wanted to fit in, and I knew that I was just as good as anyone else but because of my "poor breeding" or "lousy pedigree" I would be treated like a second class citizen. Like I was a fucking dog disqualified from a show due to my "flaws". It's so easy to feel angry, and I was always pissed off at life and at the people who were responsible for showing me how to live it.
I sent a friend request to an old classmate of mine who I thought was a cool kid despite his tight-ass rich boy upbringing. He was funny and not biased, or so I thought, and we got along well. Anyway, he ignored my request and I'll admit it stung my pride. I guess Mr. king Shit with the hot shot job couldn't be bothered with the likes of me. Oh well, fuck em'. One thing I can say is that I have to stop blaming my "poor breeding" and dysfunctional childhood for all my problems. Ultimately we choose our own path and I could've chosen not to be a loser. That was my eventual choice but God it took me so long to figure out that in order to have a good life, I had to put down the weed and stop drinking and wallowing in self pity. I had to reinvent myself because those things gave me confidence and without it, I was able to see what a failure I really was. I never voiced these feelings to my husband because he doesn't get it. He watched with a bit of curiosity as I went through some changes and didn't question me. He always loved me regardless. I still like to have a few drinks and shake my booty but I've learned to mellow out, it's not a priority anymore. I'm lucky and everyday is a blessing, though some days I still struggle. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I wish I had a hot shot job but instead I chose to get married and have kids...Or have kids, then get married...Rather;o) Leave it to me to do everything ass backwards. But my girls are well mannered and sweet, Troy and I have a happy and solid marriage. So it doesn't seem fair that I drag my past around like a ball and chain. It shouldn't haunt me anymore. I'd give anything to forget the hurt and embarrassment....the grief.
And so I write, it's therapeutic and helps me put things into perspective. I'm fine...Really. Tomorrow's another day and I'm grateful to be healthy and loved by family and friends. Things aren't always as bad as they seem.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I hope everyone had a lovely Valentines Day...Me? I was hungover, my husband went to work and I just knew I had to get my sorry carcass out of bed cuz the world doesn't stop turning....even for me:o) We had celebrated my hubbys 30th birthday Saturday night (hence the hangover) with family and friends (It was the friends we got drunk with;o) and it's a nice reminder that I still have blood rather than ice water flowing through my veins. Or vodka perhaps?....Ohhh my poor liver! Anyway, so I went to Kohls with my m-i-l and Savannah on Sunday morning. Nothing like a good sale to make me forget about my throbbing head:o)
Soooo, really not much to write about. It's snowing (when isn't it??)and the kids and dog are outside rolling around in it so my house is momentarily peaceful.
I've been designing a tattoo that I want to get for my b-day and because I'm an earthy kinda girl and have the highest respect for mother nature, the phases of womanhood and the bond I share with my own mother and daughters and the celtic heritage we share...I thought the triple moon goddess would be perfect.
This is just to give you an idea what it will look like (minus the ivy). However my moons will be done in a celtic knot and in place of the spiral in the Goddesses core, I'll have the Triskel (I'll post pics when it's done).
Oh and for ha ha's I just had to show you this guys tat, it's sooo sexy! Click on the pic to see it in all it's feline glory:o)
Soooo, really not much to write about. It's snowing (when isn't it??)and the kids and dog are outside rolling around in it so my house is momentarily peaceful.
I've been designing a tattoo that I want to get for my b-day and because I'm an earthy kinda girl and have the highest respect for mother nature, the phases of womanhood and the bond I share with my own mother and daughters and the celtic heritage we share...I thought the triple moon goddess would be perfect.
This is just to give you an idea what it will look like (minus the ivy). However my moons will be done in a celtic knot and in place of the spiral in the Goddesses core, I'll have the Triskel (I'll post pics when it's done).
Oh and for ha ha's I just had to show you this guys tat, it's sooo sexy! Click on the pic to see it in all it's feline glory:o)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Why do I need to put a title on every aspect of my life??
I've been thinking about my little sister Holly today. Well, I usually give her a thought every day, but I had a dream last night that she had just given birth to a beautiful baby and we were sitting together on a hospital bed and I was holding her hand as we admired this new life. Of course my husband woke me from this peaceful dream at 5am to ask me where I put the W2's. WTF???? I was so pissed!! My sister's only 18 (I'm 12 years older), the same age I was when I had my first child. She's not pregnant (as far as I know!)but I haven't seen her in five years...I miss her so much that sometimes I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she's all grown up! Her and her mother moved to NY when she was 3 years old and up until that point I treated her like she was my own child. I was always over their house visiting, changing diapers, taking her for walks, to the playground, I took her everywhere with me. She was born during a very difficult time in my life and I was so thrilled to have this little ray of sunshine. So of course I was devastated when they moved....I never quite got over it I guess.
I saw her periodically throughout her childhood but still missed out on a HUGE portion of her life...Thanks Dad and Sandy, fuck you both.
(Sigh) I don't mean to sound immature but I'm still angry.
For years I always hoped that they would move back "home". Naturally hope has been replaced by me resigning to the fact that Holly is home, she's grown up in NY, gone to school, made friends and put down roots. More than likely she'll get married and have her children grow up there also. I understand that time slipped away during her teen years as she went through all the changes that teenagers go through without much thought for me. No one understands better than I do. And so I'm not hurt, none of this was her fault.
And so you probably wonder why I don't drive 4 hours to visit her....I'm not willing to stay in the same house as her mother, and staying at my dads house (trailer??) is out of the question. I'd get a hotel but I can't even get in touch with her. Even if I did, what would I say to her? What is there to talk about? I knew the child so well; she liked my cooking, or when I painted her nails, snuggled with her on the couch while watching the Lion King 50 million times, she even shared my morbid love of ghost stories and cemeteries. And I can only guess her memories of those times are vague compared to mine. I cherish those memories. And it burns my ass that we are now practically strangers. It's left such a void in my heart. Whenever Savannah sees a pic of my sister when she was little she asks "Is that me?" because they look so much alike.
So I'm going to memorize every detail of my dream last night and be grateful for that short "visit".
I wish things were different, but what can you do?
My only hope is that when she too becomes a domesticated diva like her big sis, she'll come around.
I saw her periodically throughout her childhood but still missed out on a HUGE portion of her life...Thanks Dad and Sandy, fuck you both.
(Sigh) I don't mean to sound immature but I'm still angry.
For years I always hoped that they would move back "home". Naturally hope has been replaced by me resigning to the fact that Holly is home, she's grown up in NY, gone to school, made friends and put down roots. More than likely she'll get married and have her children grow up there also. I understand that time slipped away during her teen years as she went through all the changes that teenagers go through without much thought for me. No one understands better than I do. And so I'm not hurt, none of this was her fault.
And so you probably wonder why I don't drive 4 hours to visit her....I'm not willing to stay in the same house as her mother, and staying at my dads house (trailer??) is out of the question. I'd get a hotel but I can't even get in touch with her. Even if I did, what would I say to her? What is there to talk about? I knew the child so well; she liked my cooking, or when I painted her nails, snuggled with her on the couch while watching the Lion King 50 million times, she even shared my morbid love of ghost stories and cemeteries. And I can only guess her memories of those times are vague compared to mine. I cherish those memories. And it burns my ass that we are now practically strangers. It's left such a void in my heart. Whenever Savannah sees a pic of my sister when she was little she asks "Is that me?" because they look so much alike.
So I'm going to memorize every detail of my dream last night and be grateful for that short "visit".
I wish things were different, but what can you do?
My only hope is that when she too becomes a domesticated diva like her big sis, she'll come around.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
The greatest blog in the universe!!!
I'm Just making a random list of things I find funny,interesting, and entertaining. I love sarcastic, witty, offensive, dirty, or just plain stupid humor and I need to laugh...So lets see what I can dig up today.....
This should be mandatory at every salon!
So glad I quit smoking!
This is a Wood Spider (And no, that is NOT my hand !!)
These things are the size of Texas and they reside in my laundry room.
I've had more than one standoff with these freakish things. I can't get too close otherwise I start screaming like a lunatic, my neighbors probably fear for my children's lives. My oldest daughter Sage loves to pull pranks on me, so I was folding laundry one day and happened to look down and see a HUGE spider on the floor...And thinking there's no way this thing could be real, I thought she took one of those spider rings you get on Halloween and put it there to scare me, so I reached for it and the damn thing sprung to life and came at me! I ran upstairs screaming and made Sage come down with me, but this time I was armed....With a plunger. Shoes are too small and I wasn't getting that close. I was beyond insane by this point so I started wielding the plunger like an axe and was so panicked that I kept missing my target and that hairy bastard was chasing me around the laundry room until I finally sent it back to hell.
And for my girls who love to shake their asses as much as I do, you gotta watch this:
This should be mandatory at every salon!
So glad I quit smoking!
I've always loved this one! I'd so go there! Lets go to Cocks! My husband's always trying to talk me into joining him for beer and wings at Hooters- Sorry honey, it ain't happenin'....I don't need to choke down my beer with some hoochies hooters in my mans face. Where would married men be without skanks to serve them food and entertain them?
These two were found buried at a Neolithic Archaeological dig site near Montava Italy. Their arms have been wrapped around eachother in eternal embrace for about five-six thousand years. I was so moved by this picture and I wish their had been more to tell. I found this along with some Shakespeare:
Now old desire doth in his death-bed lie,And young affection gapes to be his heir;That fair for which love groan'd for and would die,With tender Juliet match'd, is now not fair.Now Romeo is beloved and loves again,Alike betwitched by the charm of looks,But to his foe supposed he must complain,And she steal love's sweet bait from fearful hooks:Being held a foe, he may not have accessTo breathe such vows as lovers use to swear;And she as much in love, her means much lessTo meet her new-beloved any where:But passion lends them power, time means, to meet Tempering extremities with extreme sweet.
This is a Wood Spider (And no, that is NOT my hand !!)
These things are the size of Texas and they reside in my laundry room.
I've had more than one standoff with these freakish things. I can't get too close otherwise I start screaming like a lunatic, my neighbors probably fear for my children's lives. My oldest daughter Sage loves to pull pranks on me, so I was folding laundry one day and happened to look down and see a HUGE spider on the floor...And thinking there's no way this thing could be real, I thought she took one of those spider rings you get on Halloween and put it there to scare me, so I reached for it and the damn thing sprung to life and came at me! I ran upstairs screaming and made Sage come down with me, but this time I was armed....With a plunger. Shoes are too small and I wasn't getting that close. I was beyond insane by this point so I started wielding the plunger like an axe and was so panicked that I kept missing my target and that hairy bastard was chasing me around the laundry room until I finally sent it back to hell.
And for my girls who love to shake their asses as much as I do, you gotta watch this:
Friday, January 29, 2010
Brrrr....
God it's cold out! I was really hoping school would've been delayed today, but nooooo.
It really should've been. I nearly busted my ass on my walkway this morning.
Did I mention it's cold?
Unless we move to a warmer climate- I'm gonna be one of those old ladies you see wearing a sweater, hat, gloves, and scarf indoors while shivering over a space heater,lol...Lets hope it doesn't come to that;o)
So I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up, I mean- When my kids grow up! I loved working with mentally disabled people, there's so much they can contribute to this world if people would only give them a chance. It was an awesome feeling to be able to teach them skills that are needed to work,socialize, and just live. I'd still be doing it, but as much as I loved that particular job, it just didn't pay. That was also when gas shot up to $4.25 a gallon and I was driving a hundred miles a week to work. Savannah was in daycare and I was literally broke. I was apprehensive about driving a school bus but it was the only place that was hiring- and it was close to home. And in spite of the crude jokes (Like do I scratch my balls, smoke cigars, and how many tattoos,blah,blah,blah), it's not bad. Sometimes I even enjoy it. My middle school kids are awesome.
Writing and photography has always been something I love to do. I adore interior decorating and painting, anyone who's been to my house will tell you. I even loved working at Stop & Shop...Seriously, my manager, co-workers and customers were all like family. Hell, I even had the security guard wrapped around my finger. Damn he was hot......Anyway (hey I'm married, not dead!) I just want to love what I do. If I'm willing to spend thousands in school loans then I want to make it worthwhile.
God here I am at 30 trying to figure it out. I just never could.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor/nurse, or a rockstar,lol...
What am I meant to do? Being a mother and watching my girls grow and feeling that pride only a parent can feel has been the greatest gift. How do you top that? Savannah's only 5 but I feel like I should start focusing on.....something. For me. I give my girls, my husband, my house, my work 110%. I'm now realizing I don't give myself even half of that (Surely, I'm one of many who say the same damn thing).
No wonder women are such bitches,lol...................
It really should've been. I nearly busted my ass on my walkway this morning.
Did I mention it's cold?
Unless we move to a warmer climate- I'm gonna be one of those old ladies you see wearing a sweater, hat, gloves, and scarf indoors while shivering over a space heater,lol...Lets hope it doesn't come to that;o)
So I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up, I mean- When my kids grow up! I loved working with mentally disabled people, there's so much they can contribute to this world if people would only give them a chance. It was an awesome feeling to be able to teach them skills that are needed to work,socialize, and just live. I'd still be doing it, but as much as I loved that particular job, it just didn't pay. That was also when gas shot up to $4.25 a gallon and I was driving a hundred miles a week to work. Savannah was in daycare and I was literally broke. I was apprehensive about driving a school bus but it was the only place that was hiring- and it was close to home. And in spite of the crude jokes (Like do I scratch my balls, smoke cigars, and how many tattoos,blah,blah,blah), it's not bad. Sometimes I even enjoy it. My middle school kids are awesome.
Writing and photography has always been something I love to do. I adore interior decorating and painting, anyone who's been to my house will tell you. I even loved working at Stop & Shop...Seriously, my manager, co-workers and customers were all like family. Hell, I even had the security guard wrapped around my finger. Damn he was hot......Anyway (hey I'm married, not dead!) I just want to love what I do. If I'm willing to spend thousands in school loans then I want to make it worthwhile.
God here I am at 30 trying to figure it out. I just never could.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor/nurse, or a rockstar,lol...
What am I meant to do? Being a mother and watching my girls grow and feeling that pride only a parent can feel has been the greatest gift. How do you top that? Savannah's only 5 but I feel like I should start focusing on.....something. For me. I give my girls, my husband, my house, my work 110%. I'm now realizing I don't give myself even half of that (Surely, I'm one of many who say the same damn thing).
No wonder women are such bitches,lol...................
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Oh boy was today just exhausting!
Nothing like driving a bus full of kids in the freakin' snow. Actually the bus eats through the snow, it was my 4x4 that was being wimpy which was infuriating! I did a full 360 and then some, just before turning onto my road. Thank God there were no oncoming cars, just one behind me and they were smart enough to stay put. I'm so happy to be home now, all curled up with my coffee and my dog Rocky. Now if only my girls would shut the hell up for five minutes of peace!
Aaaargh, but I still wouldn't change a thing.
My life is what I made it.
Many times I've had people (who mean well, or just can't mind their own business) say: "Geez Veronica, you're so smart, you could've been anything if you had put your mind to it"...
Really???
So I'm a complete failure????
How is living my life the way I see fit, a failure?
I chose a healthy lifestyle over drug addiction, I got my G.E.D, I married my baby daddy so I wouldn't have to hear my mom bitch that I have "two illegitimate kids" (gasp!), I've worked my ass off to provide a stable and loving home for my girls. They have everything I didn't and more. And I even quit smoking so I'd set a good example.
I went to Litchfield schools and it was ridiculous because we had no business living there. My father was a dreamer and blew smoke out his ass. He didn't provide for us. He was too busy fucking the waitress who was my classmates mother. He was a constant source of humiliation and disappointment....And I was so ashamed of my family, being the housekeepers daughter, and growing up poor in a rich town. So being the rebellious unsupervised youth that I was, I ran wild. Did things none of the other kids were doing and had a blast. Good times, good times;)
I'll spare the details because I'm not writing an autobiography, though I have a thousand stories I could tell. My experiences have shaped my life, helped me realize it's value. I take nothing for granted, I'm proud of who I am and the path I've chosen. And I love my mom dearly for doing the best she could.
Seeing that I'm almost 31, I need to reassure myself that it's really okay. I'm an adult (ugh) and I'm not old (yet) and my regrets are few. I get scared when I start having doubts or when someone rattles my confidence.
I'll admit, getting older freaks me out. It does. I just want to live my life. Not dwell on it or live it vicariously through my single friends,lol... Writing has always given me, I don't know...inner strength? I feel so much better now for seeing it before my eyes.
I'm weird, what can I say?
I've got to wrap this up because I've been writing for over an hour and the house isn't gonna clean itself....Maybe I should call my mother;)
C-Ya.....
Nothing like driving a bus full of kids in the freakin' snow. Actually the bus eats through the snow, it was my 4x4 that was being wimpy which was infuriating! I did a full 360 and then some, just before turning onto my road. Thank God there were no oncoming cars, just one behind me and they were smart enough to stay put. I'm so happy to be home now, all curled up with my coffee and my dog Rocky. Now if only my girls would shut the hell up for five minutes of peace!
Aaaargh, but I still wouldn't change a thing.
My life is what I made it.
Many times I've had people (who mean well, or just can't mind their own business) say: "Geez Veronica, you're so smart, you could've been anything if you had put your mind to it"...
Really???
So I'm a complete failure????
How is living my life the way I see fit, a failure?
I chose a healthy lifestyle over drug addiction, I got my G.E.D, I married my baby daddy so I wouldn't have to hear my mom bitch that I have "two illegitimate kids" (gasp!), I've worked my ass off to provide a stable and loving home for my girls. They have everything I didn't and more. And I even quit smoking so I'd set a good example.
I went to Litchfield schools and it was ridiculous because we had no business living there. My father was a dreamer and blew smoke out his ass. He didn't provide for us. He was too busy fucking the waitress who was my classmates mother. He was a constant source of humiliation and disappointment....And I was so ashamed of my family, being the housekeepers daughter, and growing up poor in a rich town. So being the rebellious unsupervised youth that I was, I ran wild. Did things none of the other kids were doing and had a blast. Good times, good times;)
I'll spare the details because I'm not writing an autobiography, though I have a thousand stories I could tell. My experiences have shaped my life, helped me realize it's value. I take nothing for granted, I'm proud of who I am and the path I've chosen. And I love my mom dearly for doing the best she could.
Seeing that I'm almost 31, I need to reassure myself that it's really okay. I'm an adult (ugh) and I'm not old (yet) and my regrets are few. I get scared when I start having doubts or when someone rattles my confidence.
I'll admit, getting older freaks me out. It does. I just want to live my life. Not dwell on it or live it vicariously through my single friends,lol... Writing has always given me, I don't know...inner strength? I feel so much better now for seeing it before my eyes.
I'm weird, what can I say?
I've got to wrap this up because I've been writing for over an hour and the house isn't gonna clean itself....Maybe I should call my mother;)
C-Ya.....
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