What comes next?

I hate to be a morbid buzz kill... But then what can you expect from someone who loves to walk around cemeteries, listens to goth music, and watches Ghost Adventures? Death is no stranger to me, as it's taken friends and loved ones of mine away. Without hesitation, without mercy. It's always frequent and on time. It has no regard for age or sex. And it's such a done deal and so fucking final that it's silence is almost deafening.

I'm not obsessed with death or dying but I am certainly aware of its presence. Especially now that I'm getting older, and so is my mom and my children's grandparents. And the circle continues as it has for thousands of years.

I had a dream (or nightmare?) last night that I was trying to hang myself. I had a long leather belt thrown over a ceiling beam and it was tied around my neck. I was standing on some kind of laundry basket (damn laundry!) and would step off it, but the pain and pressure was excruciating and so I'd step back onto the basket...And I did this several times. So while this was going on, I kept thinking to myself that I want to live, I want to be with my girls and Troy, safe in my home. I was afraid of dying and being alone in some purgatory, or lost in the dark. It didn't seem peaceful, it seemed scary!! What really bothers me though, is that I had a similar dream the other night that my dad killed himself...This doesn't sit well with me. I am not close to my dad. I haven't seen or talked to him in years now, but I don't hate him. I wish he was a part of my life and I wish he loved me and my children...How can a parent not love their child? I'll never figure that one out...But I have given up any notion of having a relationship with him. He's a very unstable, insecure, irresponsible man who caused a lot of pain and hardship for my mom and I. But he's also funny, great with little kids (my fondest memories of him are from my early childhood), he was a good listener, we listened to the same music. I love him, and I wish him happiness. Period.
So I hope these odd-ball dreams go away. I'm tired, and life's troubles disturb my sleep all too often.