I would love to write something clever and witty but at the moment my head is filled with BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Hammering, the gnashing and grating sounds of heavy equipment and men barking orders at this one guy who must be "the" bitch". I think that has bothered me the most today is seeing this guy hauling and loading, probably sweating his ass off, while the others stand around watching and sipping their coffee.

That aside, I just got back from a visit with my mom at the Cape. The girls weren't too much trouble and we kept busy; the kids played mini golf, we hit the beach, and went to a great party at a friends house. I feel more at home there than I do here in CT. This town hangs over my head like a black cloud, it'll never be home to me. I am always homesick and have that feeling of being displaced.
Could be that it's a Pisces thing, or perhaps I was a pirate in my past life, I don't know...But I'm an ocean girl. Even during winter I love it. I'd love to live in a cottage at the top of a rocky cliff and listen to the waves crashing below. What a romantic notion, lol, but that's what I'd like.

So my mom insisted that we eat breakfast at one of the local Cafes, and that I must try the multi-grain pancakes and.....breakfast salad. I'm not a granola crunchin', oat munching kinda chick but I enjoy most food so figured I'd humor the Madre....And I won't be doing it again!! The hippies and health freaks- and apparently my mom; can all keep their multi-grain pancakes! It's just not right! If I want healthy I'll eat an apple. Speaking of healthy, why is it so damn hard for me to go to the gym and stay committed? It's like I have the Angel on the shoulder telling me "Go! Think of all the great clothes you'll be able to wear!!" And of course the Devil saying "Fuck it! Have your coffee and bagel! For all your hard work, you still won't look good naked!" Bastard!

I just don't want to morph into some fat old hag with several chins. I want to age with my dignity intact, not with boob sweat stains on my shirt or that sour cheesy smell *gagging* that fat old people are known for. I want to still be able to lean over and paint my toenails slut red even when I'm 80! Life freaks me out sometimes, like now...Because I'm afraid of aging, of becoming slowed down by arthritis, disease, the inevitable and things that I have little control over. So I go to the damn gym, I have no addictions except for coffee, so therefore my self esteem wavers. I LOVE smoking cigarettes. I do. But obviously it's an expensive self destructive habit which I put down 6 years ago. So to maintain the element of control, I only smoke when I drink, which I don't do nearly as often I'd like;) Aaaaahhh! Craziness...The human mind...The demons we fight and life goes on regardless.

~Glad to be me~

I sure as hell wouldn't want to be anyone else but...
I am not, when all is said and done; a diva.
Well maybe I am- but without the attitude! I can't stand bitches! I seldom feel any connection with women and have found many of them to be competitive, snarky, and two faced. Or maybe I'm just a snob, or unfriendly...But I don't think so;) I've got some cool girlfriends who understand why I don't call...They know that I love them but I'm busy with kids, work, house, family. They understand the difference between an anti-social snob and a tired mother. So I don't need to explain myself to them. I make the time when I have it. And I call when I know I won't be interrupted.

I don't know why I brought this up. Maybe it's me just feeling guilty that I haven't had a girls night out in forever...Kinda hard when the man's workin' 3rd shift and I'm collecting unemployment...It sucks, but there it is... I'm so bored!! I want to go dancing, smoke a joint, dye my hair a funky color, have a sweaty sex marathon, listen to my music instead of the repetitive "There's a Party in My Tummy" song on Yo Gabba Gabba! I want to wear the sexy summer clothes that are hanging in my closet! I'm restless and my mind is in overdrive, the clock is ticking and I'm just spinning my wheels...This too shall pass I'm sure.
I am criticized by certain people for being anti- social but I want to make it clear that I'm just not interested in your mundane, booze fueled, redneck inner circle. So take your Budweiser, shiny nail polish, crappy music and bare feet and just fuck off. Lol...damn.

Truth is, I love my own company...After the kids are in bed, I can write, play with my Tarot cards, light my incense and candles, drink a beer or two and chill. I don't know a single soul who does that. And that's fine...Really!

I took my mom to Gettysburg Pa for her birthday as she is a HUGE Civil War buff...I am convinced she was a soldier in her past life....

It took us about 6 hours to get there, thank God for GPS!!!!

We stayed at the beautiful Brafferton Inn (which is actually a B&B) downtown Gettysburg....It was the first house built in (I think, 1786) the town and it's fantastic...

So our first day we got settled in, made an attempt at shopping but a lot of the stores were souvenir shops and antique dealers selling a lot of Civil War era costumes and repros of just serious junk. Then we went and grabbed dinner at a pub nearby and the food wasn't all that great, my beer was cold so I guess that counts for something...Afterward we went on a candlelight ghost tour. My mom and I were a bit sceptical at first because there were a lot of children and it just seemed like it was going to be super gay. It was however, super cool as they split us in two groups and our tour guide was a great story teller.

Let me just say it wasn't a ghost hunt or anything like that....She just took us to places that were used as field hospitals or to hold Confederate prisoners, buildings that withstood cannon fire (and one building still has a cannon ball stuck in the brick!!), roads that were used as battleground. Essentially the whole town is a giant graveyard. I took a ton of pictures on my moms camera so unfortunately I have none to post here. But I will post the pics that I took asap...There are unexplainable figures in some of them and can't be anything other than paranormal...They will blow your mind!!

We went to one of the reenactments on Saturday, which was okay...I was expecting to be front & center of this great battle just to get the feel for it, ya know? We did have great seats but it was still like sitting in the nosebleed section because they "fought" waaaaaaay across the field!!! WTF??? Then we meandered on over to the tents and I bought some maple candy (mmmm) but passed on the iron skillets and wooden combs;) I endured quite well, I think!

But the most amazing part of our trip was seeing the battlefields and walking on them. The fact that American soldiers fought eachother on that ground and that thousands, yes thousands were slaughtered among those beautiful fields and green hills, is sadly ironic. It's hard to imagine it happening but for the fantastic monuments that tell you where each battle took place and was fought by whom. It went on for miles and miles.... And my mom, who has read many stories about the young men and boys who gave up their youth and their lives for the cause, walked out in those fields and cried for them. Prayed for their souls....Because none of them should be forgotten. I'm glad she was able to finally do that, I know it was important to her.

I really didn't think it would move me the way it did. You can feel the horror of the past and even on a beautiful sunny day it can give you chills. The field in the picture is where Pickets Charge took place, it's where the Union kicked the souths ass and where the most lives were lost during the war.

With that said, I advise you- if you ever visit Gettysburg PA make sure you stay at the Brafferton B&B. And for the love of God- DO NOT EAT AT THE FARNSWORTH HOUSE INN!!!! Their food sucks out loud and is so damn bad, portions so small, prices so high, I couldn't stop laughing! I laughed till I cried and just couldn't help it. It was so bad, it was funny!

So that sums up only a bit of our trip to Gettysburg, I can't wait to go back <3>

Thinking.....Again

So I just finished reading a book called "The Shack" that my friend Carol lent me....It's a work of fiction about a man who's little girl was abducted and murdered and how him and his family have coped (or not) with such an unspeakable tragedy, to make a long story short- he goes to the shack where she died and meets God and spends a weekend with him....



I'm not into God books, fiction or non...I didn't know this was going to be one until I started reading it and I must say it has stirred something inside me. It was one of the most saddest, yet comforting books I've ever read.

My comfort was short lived though because the way God was described in this book is the way I would like to believe he truly is, should he exist. That he's someone who has a sense of humor, loves us unconditionally, has compassion...That he makes his presence known to those who are dying, suffering and scared. And comforts them.



As I said, I would like to believe that, but it's hard for me to wrap my sceptical head around such a notion. I wish I could believe the way so many others do! I would never be scared again, I'd probably have less anxiety, I wouldn't feel so utterly helpless and alone when someone I love passes away.

In that book it talks about relationship, living through Jesus and unloading our burdens on him. That those of us who live independently from God (like myself) are living in the dark and so on...
But then it goes on to explain that God is with us wherever we go and that religious institutions aren't necessary to have a relationship with him (which alleviates some guilt for not going to church). But it also explains why God doesn't step in and stop children from dying (ugh, the thought alone sickens me), or end wars, or prevent tragic events...It's a hard pill to swallow but it makes sense...If it were true; my trouble is believing.

I am more aware of things now, where as before I didn't give much thought to how I constantly judge people (myself included)...How often someone will cut me off while I'm driving and I call them an asshole! More than likely, they probably are...Or at the very least, inconsiderate! But it's not me they'll have to answer to...But I will try and not be so quick to point my finger or form an opinion before I get all the info. I really just want to be a better person.

Personally I would like good, solid proof that God exists and loves us! The bible just doesn't cut it for me! I do appreciate the beauty in the world and different cultures, the miracles of modern technology and medicine, a spectacular sunset, and most of all the love of my children! These things make me feel closer to a higher power- Not going to church!
I prefer to sit and meditate in a field under the open sky and speak to my creator whether it be a he, she, or it....That's when I feel a connection.

It's funny how as we get older some of us grow curious as to why we're here, living this life, and wondering who is responsible for this beautiful but very fucked up mess? Where we'll eventually end up when our story's over...Will there be a sequel?

I really think too much, it's no wonder I live on 800mg ibuprofen!!
Maybe if I didn't have children this wouldn't matter to me as much...Or that I'm 31 and am at war with maturity and responsibility, lol....I just don't know.

What comes next?

I hate to be a morbid buzz kill... But then what can you expect from someone who loves to walk around cemeteries, listens to goth music, and watches Ghost Adventures? Death is no stranger to me, as it's taken friends and loved ones of mine away. Without hesitation, without mercy. It's always frequent and on time. It has no regard for age or sex. And it's such a done deal and so fucking final that it's silence is almost deafening.

I'm not obsessed with death or dying but I am certainly aware of its presence. Especially now that I'm getting older, and so is my mom and my children's grandparents. And the circle continues as it has for thousands of years.

I had a dream (or nightmare?) last night that I was trying to hang myself. I had a long leather belt thrown over a ceiling beam and it was tied around my neck. I was standing on some kind of laundry basket (damn laundry!) and would step off it, but the pain and pressure was excruciating and so I'd step back onto the basket...And I did this several times. So while this was going on, I kept thinking to myself that I want to live, I want to be with my girls and Troy, safe in my home. I was afraid of dying and being alone in some purgatory, or lost in the dark. It didn't seem peaceful, it seemed scary!! What really bothers me though, is that I had a similar dream the other night that my dad killed himself...This doesn't sit well with me. I am not close to my dad. I haven't seen or talked to him in years now, but I don't hate him. I wish he was a part of my life and I wish he loved me and my children...How can a parent not love their child? I'll never figure that one out...But I have given up any notion of having a relationship with him. He's a very unstable, insecure, irresponsible man who caused a lot of pain and hardship for my mom and I. But he's also funny, great with little kids (my fondest memories of him are from my early childhood), he was a good listener, we listened to the same music. I love him, and I wish him happiness. Period.
So I hope these odd-ball dreams go away. I'm tired, and life's troubles disturb my sleep all too often.

Wheels turning in my head once again

It was a fantastic weekend; hot, humid, busy and for the most part--fun. Friday was, as usual, a fucking fiasco but there's no avoiding it...So Saturday was a great day to go up to White Flower Farm and wander through the greenhouses. Gardening has become my passion...I'm desperate to grow gorgeous flowers and watch my shrubs and creeping phlox thrive. I love getting my hands dirty and helping to create new life and beauty in this world...Even if it is only in my yard:) So I took my girls with me in the hopes that they'd enjoy themselves. Sigh. Sometimes I just need to stop and pull my head outta my ass...How could I have assumed that my daughters could go ANYWHERE without arguing??? We could be anywhere from the Eiffel Tower to the pearly gates of heaven and they'd still find something to piss and moan about! Aaargh! It's so frustrating because my only intention is to have fun and enjoy the day with them, not be a friggin' referee! I swear I should just walk around with a fucking scoreboard around my neck!
So I still managed to grab a pretty shrub and a few hostas while Sage & Savannah raided the cookies and lemonade in the store...Hey, whatever it takes!
Afterward, we managed a peaceful walk around the boardwalk in Litchfield...Love that place, it holds so many special memories for me.

Soooo, Saturday night started out with planting said shrubs and drinking a beer, compliments of friend/nieghbor/cousin Jen;) who found me sweating and up to my elbows in dirt! Twenty minutes later it was a literal block party at the end of our road...I still can't figure that one out, but it was fantastic! The street was filled with all of our kids running around, filthy, laughing, free for the moment, and why don't I ever have my damn camera ready??? The men were manning the grill while others started a fire for smores....Or for burning Christmas trees. Why are guys such pyros?? Lol...And us girls, since we're good for nothing but standing around looking pretty, we drank our cocktails and beer...Oh, good times.

Life is too short not to grab these moments by the balls.

So for every pair of shoes I've tripped over in the dark, I'm grateful that their owner is alive and well and I love them no matter how much they frustrate me.

For all my bitching about the inevitable gray hairs that I find; well, honey I'm grateful there's hair dye cuz I'll be needing it real soon;)

Also I must say (as this came up during booze fueled conversation Saturday night) that I am so grateful that I haven't changed much over the last decade. Not to say I couldn't lose a few (ok more than a few) pounds, but overall I'm still recognizable!! I know that sounds gay as hell, but I look good, my hair rules and when I look at pics of myself ten years ago I only notice subtle changes, nothing too drastic. I've seen some people on Facebook that I went to school with and some look great and there are others that got fat, went bald, or totally let themselves go! I wouldn't have known who the hell they were if they hadn't listed their names! I fall somewhere in the middle of these guys- Lol...

Well, maybe I'm just kidding myself. If that's the case then just let me keep on living in my vane fantasy world!! Fuck it....

I could sit here drinking one cup of coffee after another...write about my very average married with children life, but I have to go back to work at my VERY below average, shitty fucking job...Until I figure out what I really want to do. Maybe I'll just get a tummy tuck and go work at Hooters;)

Just a thought....

Why do people break up with someone, only to hook up with someone who shares certain interests and physical features of their ex? Such as style, music, likes ,dislikes etc...I just find it odd....The only thing any of my ex's have in common with my husband is music/ musicians/alcohol issues....I've always liked variety....I think dorky guys can be cute but I prefer big tall guys....Like my husband, and he's got very dark hair and eyes (lord knows where our daughter came from! She looks just like him but has blond hair and my blue eyes:o) Yay for that!
But sticking to the subject, I can understand going for someone who shares common interests, makes sense. But I personally have never gone out with guys that share certain physical features. I wouldn't want to confuse them with my ex!! Lol...seriously! My last boyfriend before I met Troy was tall, blond, muscular, very good looking....and an alcoholic:o(
The one before him was psychotic, dorky, wore glasses and was a fuckin' pothead:o(
Sage's dad was tall, slim/muscular (at the time), had red hair and was an alcoholic:o(
And the biggest fuckhead I ever dated was a curly haired Italian runt...and a major drug addict....Do you not notice the pattern? They all looked different, each one had (some) likeable qualities , a couple were musicians, but they were all substance abusers.
Even my husband has alcohol issues, I won't lie. It's made our relationship/marriage extremely difficult at times. We were in our early 20's when we hooked up and I just figured he'd outgrow it.

I just wonder what it is within ourselves that draws us to a certain kind of person? I never sought out drug users and alcoholics. I used to enjoy doing that shit too but it never was an issue for me until someone else got involved. I kind of contradict myself, I know. I wouldn't have been hooking up with losers if I hadn't been hanging around with them and taking part in the "fun". But I was just having a good time, I wasn't looking to invest in a life of addiction.

And so I met Troy and saw someone who liked to have fun. Too much fun, but unlike the others he had a good sense of responsibility. He seemed "normal", I knew he wasn't a pervert that would try to molest my child, he had a good job and went to work nomatter what. He was going to school to further his career. I was attracted to that because I'm no slouch. I've lived on my own, was a single mother, took care of myself and my child without help from the state. Wasn't easy. But I was happy, I didn't need a man to support my ass or make me happy. I didn't need Troy (or want him at first, lol...) but eventually I did want him:o)

What sets him apart from the others is that he sees the error of his ways, he makes an effort to right the wrongs, he's a good father, a good provider and a huge pain in my ass, but he's mine. No ones perfect,but I can only put up with so much bullshit and I think he knows that.

*Sigh*

I'm past tired and this rant was weird, but I just couldn't help thinking about it today...I'm always facinated by what the human race has up it's sleeve....