Why do I need to put a title on every aspect of my life??

I've been thinking about my little sister Holly today. Well, I usually give her a thought every day, but I had a dream last night that she had just given birth to a beautiful baby and we were sitting together on a hospital bed and I was holding her hand as we admired this new life. Of course my husband woke me from this peaceful dream at 5am to ask me where I put the W2's. WTF???? I was so pissed!! My sister's only 18 (I'm 12 years older), the same age I was when I had my first child. She's not pregnant (as far as I know!)but I haven't seen her in five years...I miss her so much that sometimes I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she's all grown up! Her and her mother moved to NY when she was 3 years old and up until that point I treated her like she was my own child. I was always over their house visiting, changing diapers, taking her for walks, to the playground, I took her everywhere with me. She was born during a very difficult time in my life and I was so thrilled to have this little ray of sunshine. So of course I was devastated when they moved....I never quite got over it I guess.

I saw her periodically throughout her childhood but still missed out on a HUGE portion of her life...Thanks Dad and Sandy, fuck you both.

(Sigh) I don't mean to sound immature but I'm still angry.
For years I always hoped that they would move back "home". Naturally hope has been replaced by me resigning to the fact that Holly is home, she's grown up in NY, gone to school, made friends and put down roots. More than likely she'll get married and have her children grow up there also. I understand that time slipped away during her teen years as she went through all the changes that teenagers go through without much thought for me. No one understands better than I do. And so I'm not hurt, none of this was her fault.

And so you probably wonder why I don't drive 4 hours to visit her....I'm not willing to stay in the same house as her mother, and staying at my dads house (trailer??) is out of the question. I'd get a hotel but I can't even get in touch with her. Even if I did, what would I say to her? What is there to talk about? I knew the child so well; she liked my cooking, or when I painted her nails, snuggled with her on the couch while watching the Lion King 50 million times, she even shared my morbid love of ghost stories and cemeteries. And I can only guess her memories of those times are vague compared to mine. I cherish those memories. And it burns my ass that we are now practically strangers. It's left such a void in my heart. Whenever Savannah sees a pic of my sister when she was little she asks "Is that me?" because they look so much alike.

So I'm going to memorize every detail of my dream last night and be grateful for that short "visit".
I wish things were different, but what can you do?
My only hope is that when she too becomes a domesticated diva like her big sis, she'll come around.