Okay...Lets be honest

I have moments, like right now, when I tend to dwell on past issues that aren't relevant.They're ancient history but I'm more haunted than I realized because my feelings can get hurt as though I were in 8th grade all over again.
I always wanted to fit in, and I knew that I was just as good as anyone else but because of my "poor breeding" or "lousy pedigree" I would be treated like a second class citizen. Like I was a fucking dog disqualified from a show due to my "flaws". It's so easy to feel angry, and I was always pissed off at life and at the people who were responsible for showing me how to live it.
I sent a friend request to an old classmate of mine who I thought was a cool kid despite his tight-ass rich boy upbringing. He was funny and not biased, or so I thought, and we got along well. Anyway, he ignored my request and I'll admit it stung my pride. I guess Mr. king Shit with the hot shot job couldn't be bothered with the likes of me. Oh well, fuck em'. One thing I can say is that I have to stop blaming my "poor breeding" and dysfunctional childhood for all my problems. Ultimately we choose our own path and I could've chosen not to be a loser. That was my eventual choice but God it took me so long to figure out that in order to have a good life, I had to put down the weed and stop drinking and wallowing in self pity. I had to reinvent myself because those things gave me confidence and without it, I was able to see what a failure I really was. I never voiced these feelings to my husband because he doesn't get it. He watched with a bit of curiosity as I went through some changes and didn't question me. He always loved me regardless. I still like to have a few drinks and shake my booty but I've learned to mellow out, it's not a priority anymore. I'm lucky and everyday is a blessing, though some days I still struggle. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I wish I had a hot shot job but instead I chose to get married and have kids...Or have kids, then get married...Rather;o) Leave it to me to do everything ass backwards. But my girls are well mannered and sweet, Troy and I have a happy and solid marriage. So it doesn't seem fair that I drag my past around like a ball and chain. It shouldn't haunt me anymore. I'd give anything to forget the hurt and embarrassment....the grief.
And so I write, it's therapeutic and helps me put things into perspective. I'm fine...Really. Tomorrow's another day and I'm grateful to be healthy and loved by family and friends. Things aren't always as bad as they seem.