Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I would love to write something clever and witty but at the moment my head is filled with BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Hammering, the gnashing and grating sounds of heavy equipment and men barking orders at this one guy who must be "the" bitch". I think that has bothered me the most today is seeing this guy hauling and loading, probably sweating his ass off, while the others stand around watching and sipping their coffee.

That aside, I just got back from a visit with my mom at the Cape. The girls weren't too much trouble and we kept busy; the kids played mini golf, we hit the beach, and went to a great party at a friends house. I feel more at home there than I do here in CT. This town hangs over my head like a black cloud, it'll never be home to me. I am always homesick and have that feeling of being displaced.
Could be that it's a Pisces thing, or perhaps I was a pirate in my past life, I don't know...But I'm an ocean girl. Even during winter I love it. I'd love to live in a cottage at the top of a rocky cliff and listen to the waves crashing below. What a romantic notion, lol, but that's what I'd like.

So my mom insisted that we eat breakfast at one of the local Cafes, and that I must try the multi-grain pancakes and.....breakfast salad. I'm not a granola crunchin', oat munching kinda chick but I enjoy most food so figured I'd humor the Madre....And I won't be doing it again!! The hippies and health freaks- and apparently my mom; can all keep their multi-grain pancakes! It's just not right! If I want healthy I'll eat an apple. Speaking of healthy, why is it so damn hard for me to go to the gym and stay committed? It's like I have the Angel on the shoulder telling me "Go! Think of all the great clothes you'll be able to wear!!" And of course the Devil saying "Fuck it! Have your coffee and bagel! For all your hard work, you still won't look good naked!" Bastard!

I just don't want to morph into some fat old hag with several chins. I want to age with my dignity intact, not with boob sweat stains on my shirt or that sour cheesy smell *gagging* that fat old people are known for. I want to still be able to lean over and paint my toenails slut red even when I'm 80! Life freaks me out sometimes, like now...Because I'm afraid of aging, of becoming slowed down by arthritis, disease, the inevitable and things that I have little control over. So I go to the damn gym, I have no addictions except for coffee, so therefore my self esteem wavers. I LOVE smoking cigarettes. I do. But obviously it's an expensive self destructive habit which I put down 6 years ago. So to maintain the element of control, I only smoke when I drink, which I don't do nearly as often I'd like;) Aaaaahhh! Craziness...The human mind...The demons we fight and life goes on regardless.

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