Thinking.....Again

So I just finished reading a book called "The Shack" that my friend Carol lent me....It's a work of fiction about a man who's little girl was abducted and murdered and how him and his family have coped (or not) with such an unspeakable tragedy, to make a long story short- he goes to the shack where she died and meets God and spends a weekend with him....



I'm not into God books, fiction or non...I didn't know this was going to be one until I started reading it and I must say it has stirred something inside me. It was one of the most saddest, yet comforting books I've ever read.

My comfort was short lived though because the way God was described in this book is the way I would like to believe he truly is, should he exist. That he's someone who has a sense of humor, loves us unconditionally, has compassion...That he makes his presence known to those who are dying, suffering and scared. And comforts them.



As I said, I would like to believe that, but it's hard for me to wrap my sceptical head around such a notion. I wish I could believe the way so many others do! I would never be scared again, I'd probably have less anxiety, I wouldn't feel so utterly helpless and alone when someone I love passes away.

In that book it talks about relationship, living through Jesus and unloading our burdens on him. That those of us who live independently from God (like myself) are living in the dark and so on...
But then it goes on to explain that God is with us wherever we go and that religious institutions aren't necessary to have a relationship with him (which alleviates some guilt for not going to church). But it also explains why God doesn't step in and stop children from dying (ugh, the thought alone sickens me), or end wars, or prevent tragic events...It's a hard pill to swallow but it makes sense...If it were true; my trouble is believing.

I am more aware of things now, where as before I didn't give much thought to how I constantly judge people (myself included)...How often someone will cut me off while I'm driving and I call them an asshole! More than likely, they probably are...Or at the very least, inconsiderate! But it's not me they'll have to answer to...But I will try and not be so quick to point my finger or form an opinion before I get all the info. I really just want to be a better person.

Personally I would like good, solid proof that God exists and loves us! The bible just doesn't cut it for me! I do appreciate the beauty in the world and different cultures, the miracles of modern technology and medicine, a spectacular sunset, and most of all the love of my children! These things make me feel closer to a higher power- Not going to church!
I prefer to sit and meditate in a field under the open sky and speak to my creator whether it be a he, she, or it....That's when I feel a connection.

It's funny how as we get older some of us grow curious as to why we're here, living this life, and wondering who is responsible for this beautiful but very fucked up mess? Where we'll eventually end up when our story's over...Will there be a sequel?

I really think too much, it's no wonder I live on 800mg ibuprofen!!
Maybe if I didn't have children this wouldn't matter to me as much...Or that I'm 31 and am at war with maturity and responsibility, lol....I just don't know.