Just a thought....

Why do people break up with someone, only to hook up with someone who shares certain interests and physical features of their ex? Such as style, music, likes ,dislikes etc...I just find it odd....The only thing any of my ex's have in common with my husband is music/ musicians/alcohol issues....I've always liked variety....I think dorky guys can be cute but I prefer big tall guys....Like my husband, and he's got very dark hair and eyes (lord knows where our daughter came from! She looks just like him but has blond hair and my blue eyes:o) Yay for that!
But sticking to the subject, I can understand going for someone who shares common interests, makes sense. But I personally have never gone out with guys that share certain physical features. I wouldn't want to confuse them with my ex!! Lol...seriously! My last boyfriend before I met Troy was tall, blond, muscular, very good looking....and an alcoholic:o(
The one before him was psychotic, dorky, wore glasses and was a fuckin' pothead:o(
Sage's dad was tall, slim/muscular (at the time), had red hair and was an alcoholic:o(
And the biggest fuckhead I ever dated was a curly haired Italian runt...and a major drug addict....Do you not notice the pattern? They all looked different, each one had (some) likeable qualities , a couple were musicians, but they were all substance abusers.
Even my husband has alcohol issues, I won't lie. It's made our relationship/marriage extremely difficult at times. We were in our early 20's when we hooked up and I just figured he'd outgrow it.

I just wonder what it is within ourselves that draws us to a certain kind of person? I never sought out drug users and alcoholics. I used to enjoy doing that shit too but it never was an issue for me until someone else got involved. I kind of contradict myself, I know. I wouldn't have been hooking up with losers if I hadn't been hanging around with them and taking part in the "fun". But I was just having a good time, I wasn't looking to invest in a life of addiction.

And so I met Troy and saw someone who liked to have fun. Too much fun, but unlike the others he had a good sense of responsibility. He seemed "normal", I knew he wasn't a pervert that would try to molest my child, he had a good job and went to work nomatter what. He was going to school to further his career. I was attracted to that because I'm no slouch. I've lived on my own, was a single mother, took care of myself and my child without help from the state. Wasn't easy. But I was happy, I didn't need a man to support my ass or make me happy. I didn't need Troy (or want him at first, lol...) but eventually I did want him:o)

What sets him apart from the others is that he sees the error of his ways, he makes an effort to right the wrongs, he's a good father, a good provider and a huge pain in my ass, but he's mine. No ones perfect,but I can only put up with so much bullshit and I think he knows that.

*Sigh*

I'm past tired and this rant was weird, but I just couldn't help thinking about it today...I'm always facinated by what the human race has up it's sleeve....

*Happy 420*

Not like I get to enjoy it but I can reminisce on old memories....yes I can;)
It's really great to be back with old friends...Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be sitting around a table drinking beer again with Carol, Bea & Bri...It's funny because we all quit smoking cigarettes....years ago we'd be sitting in a cloud (of not just cigarette smoke either) and I just remember watching it swirl as we moved around the room. Now we have kids and have to watch our language and we have jobs that require us to be good...well, I do anyway:o( We must be good, well behaved adults, lol. You'd think that after driving a bus full of noisy kids, and dealing with asshole drivers on the road all day- that it would be great to come home, plug in my ipod and spark up a dooby! Damn...
When I was about 14 I met my friend Stacy, and honestly I tried to keep up, but that girl could smoke me under the table! Sorry Stac - But you of all people were the most hardcore chic I ever knew! Lol...But I thank you for putting up with me! Hope you don't mind me mentioning it.
I consider myself lucky to have been a teenager in the 90's...The music was awesome, I had cool friends, got my first tattoo, rollerskating was still considered cool, you could still party in the parking lot at what used to be called "The Meadows"...And no, the "parties" that go on there now can't even come close to the chaotic days of old.
My bedroom window was like the 420 drive-thru...My friends and I would be chillin' in my room listening to Nirvana and I used to have a green lightbulb and would turn it on at night so the neighborhood kids would come by.
Yeah, maybe it was "Loser Central", call it whatever you like - But I called it a damn good time. I guess I was your typical parents worst nightmare for awhile, but it's all good.

I could write a book, but my life has been rather ordinary so my stories would be comparable to many of my peers. It was fun though, and some crazy shit went down...But some stories are better left untold. Except for the one time when I was 17, I was buzzed on codine cough syrup (yuck) and my stepfather comes in my room carrying a big paper bag (picture a cross between Chong and Big Lebowski), and drops it on my bed. He's like "I don't need these anymore so I thought you might like em", then walks out (he really was a major asshole, this was one of the few times he showed any coolness).
Inside, the bag was full of bongs from the late 60's and early 70's.
They were the craziest looking things (and worked great).
Don't know what I did with them....But they are long gone now...

I really am not the most liberal person and I don't condone drug use. I've seen what hardcore drug use has done to people and have known many that have died from using them....But I have yet to see anyone O.D on weed.
I never sucked someones dick as a trade off for weed...Never that desperate, sorry! Nor did I lie, cheat and steal to get weed, however I was likely to raid your cabinets for food when struck with the munchies - that's it.
I was never addicted to it. However it's probably to blame for my lack of motivation to do anything useful career-wise. But whatever.....

That's my drug addled rant of the day...Peace!

Random crap...

First order of the day is coffee!
I'm really trying to just pick up and move foward. Work started back up this week (bluuurg) and my garden needs tending to.
I never realized weeds could be such a relentless enemy! Who knew?

As you may know (or not) I've been grieving the loss of Peter Steele of my favorite band Type O Negative. A talented and troubled man... I take these things to heart...I really do. I took this news very hard....But I can't lay down and die with him (I think Troy would be a little bit pissed;).
So I'm cleaning, blogging, and I'll tackle those fucking weeds later.

I'm really hoping that Sage pulls her head out of her ass and buckles down in school...The year's almost over and my hair's steadily turning gray!
We always picture our kids doing better than us and I feel that's how it should be. I don't pray often, and when I do I usually end up falling asleep in the process *sigh* but I'm praying that she'll pull it together and show her libtard teachers what she's made of (I mean come on, she's my kid! Let's kick some ass!)
I sucked in school too- However, I had a few distractions such as my parents divorce which was rather messy, relocation, death, health issues and a whole bunch of other shit to keep my mind off any academic subject matter. My daughter has never known that kind of life, she didn't have to grow up fast. Instead she acts like a clueless 12 year old who takes everything for granted! WTF???? I'm at a loss.... And I'm tired of dwelling on it because it depresses me to no end.

So how 'bout that "How To Train Your Dragon" movie??? Anyone see it?
I thought it was fantastic, or course that's the advantage to having children- I get to relive my childhood vicariously through them. I took the girls to see it Saturday night, we ate popcorn doused with extra butter, Reeces pieces, diet soda (why bother, I know...) and I'm sure it all went straight to my ass.
Great! But it cheered me up and the girls seemed to enjoy it.
I also took them to that Indian Meuseum in Washington last Thursday. I could've sworn it was much cooler than it really was. I went as a child and I thought it was great. Wasn't there a tee-pee? Or some such shit? Because all they had was a bunch of clay pots and arrow heads (big fuckin' deal) and a few huts out back made of tree bark! I was sorely disappointed! Here I thought I was being a really awesome parent by taking my kids to see something cultural, some early American history and all that....It sucked out loud, don't waste your time going there, seriously.

On that happy note, I'm done with my coffee, the dog's scratching at the door and the laundry's not going to fold itself so ....that's all folks;P

Sad

I don't know what it is....If it's the kind of person I am and that's why I'm attracted to those that are doomed, or what -but I am seriously fucking bummed out. I love art and music and I am drawn to the darker side I guess you could say. I love mystery, goth, intrigue and sex (obviously). I adore the band Type O Negative. And I've had a major "thing" for the frontman Peter Steele for years. He's been "the other man" in my life for years and I've always enjoyed making my husband jealous over my infatuation. It was fun, especially with the Playgirl pics (woooooo!!!).
But Peter passed away last night.
They said it was heart failure, but it was probably drugs, it always is. And I can totally understand addiction. When you're a kid, drugs are a way to rebel and have a good time. When you get older it's about easing the hurt in your life, and escaping from the day to day bullshit.
I just can't wrap my head around this one though....My husband and I expected this to happen at some point, however I always dreaded the day I'd have to mourn Peter Steeles death. And here it is, so I'm drinking red wine in his honor and trying to sort out my feelings. Many people would find my reaction stupid, which is fine- whatever. I don't care.
But my soul is aching for comfort and for answers! I don't need to know someone personally to care about them! I've spent many a night listening to Black #1 and September Sun as well as countless other songs by Type O Negative that made me feel alive and happy. I remember being in the audience at Toads Place and feeling a physical and mental connection...It's magic. And if someone can move me that much, then to me they are special. I don't care what their hang ups are. I'm just sorry they have them. And I'm sorry that there will never be another Type O Negative album. I'm sorry that Peter couldn't find happiness in life. Some people, I believe, are just not meant to survive in this world. No matter how tough, tall, strong, or bad a person may seem; they can still be fragile.

I hope there is a God and that he's as good as many seem to believe. I want to believe, but it's so hard. I admire peope who have such faith in God and no doubts whatsoever in his plan for us. I almost envy them because if I had that kind of faith, I probably wouldn't be so down as I am....

I am supremely pissed off at my daughter Sage...I almost feel guilty writing this but honestly I just feel like....fuck it!! If I don't get this off my chest now, I'm gonna blow my fucking cool and it's not gonna be pretty.

Let me start by saying that she absolutely sucks in school...She's never been a very good student but since she's been at TMS she has basically given up on trying, or even caring about getting good grades. And they always seem to mail out the report cards when I have PMS....Perfect timing!!

I'm so tired of her bullshit. Both Troy and I have made ourselves available to help with her homework, we've encouraged and supported her...I've tried to make reports and other projects fun, I've gone to conferences and all her teachers basically said is that Sage just doesn't care.
What...The...Fuck????? Then MAKE her care, you overpaid, overrated, BORING, un- educaters! Why does she come home with 3 hours of goddamn homework?
Why?!
Why do I have to do your fucking job when my tax dollars are paying your useless uncaring asses to do it??! Is it because you're too busy in your pathetic attempts to discipline the Highwoods kids? Or the kids that are trying to be like them? When I asked if my daughter would stay back...I was told no. And believe me it's not that I want her to- but usually when a child is failing everything, they aren't promoted. So I'd like to know how the TMS administration can sit behind their desks in that big brick shithole and promote uneducated kids because they don't know what else to do with them other than stick them in the Upward Bound program! How do they sleep at night?

Of course it's not all the schools fault that my kid is failing. I hold her accountable as well. But I'm so beyond disappointed and I'm tired of trying to convince her that an education is the only way to grow to be financially independent, that it liberates people from the grip of poverty and despair. (AND FROM RELYING ON A MAN TO SUPPORT YOUR SORRY ASS).
I'm so tired of giving her 110% of my love and support when she doesn't even put forth a a little effort. She's only 12, so I refuse to give up without a fight, but damn. What can I do beyond grounding her and taking things away? It doesn't work!
Does that mean I'm fucked?
Because it sure seems that way.

Thongs on a sunny day.........

I really love the sun and all it's awesome warmth and radiance and I'm really impatient for summer to hurry the fuck up. I swear I have seasonal affective disorder (isn't there a disorder for everything these days?) But seriously, this is why I'm convinced that I would thrive in a warmer climate. I'm ready to go! I want to open my windows and lay out on my deck drinking beer with the music blasting while tanning my cracker white ass! Yup, my neighbors love me.....Not really. I think they feel sorry for Troy and the girls,lol...Oh well, it's their loss that they'll never experience my greatness ;o)
I've been obsessing over my garden (or lack thereof) and have a list of how many bags of mulch I'll need, how many bushes, flowers, and where the hell I should place them! Naturally these things cost money and so I stress over that too. Guess I'm only happy when I have stuff to bitch about....HGTV has really gotten to my head. I never used to care if things matched or were strategically placed. And then I'm thinking; well damn, what if I spend all this money on bushes, poison ivy (for the neighbors,hehe), flowers and the shit just won't grow??? Always the pessimist!

I've taken a break from going to the gym. My knees feel like they've been hit with a sledge hammer. I think I went overboard in my haste to tone up and lose weight. I like instant gratification...If I don't see results in a month or two I get easily discouraged. I don't lose weight easily. I have to sweat and starve and that's just not my thing. I like food, I love how it's made, how it smells....and yes even the comfort it brings me:o) I wish I could have that detached sort of view where some people just consider it the body's fuel without the emotional attachment. Weird. I was able to quit smoking 6 years ago and got that under control, all the bad stuff I did in my youth; I was able to put behind me, I don't drink excessive amounts of alcohol (usually), but losing weight is so ....hard! I was always tiny until I had my girls, I don't eat bad food or even a lot of food for that matter. I eat healthy, but after Savannah came along...Losing 40lbs has become a loathsome task. Aaaaargh! Big is not beautiful, sorry. However, I think I manage to pull it off rather well<3 I'll just keep telling myself that *sigh*.

So I went to Walmart the other day because my daughter Sage was raving that "Everything's on sale mom! We gotta go!" . Okay fine, I headed to the garden area (where else) while she went to look at shoes. A little while later we met up at the register and she's got a pair of flip-flops...Good....And three pairs of THONG PANTIES!!! NOT GOOD!!!! WTF??? She's 12!!! Obviously I told her no way in hell! I didn't know whether to laugh or blow a freakin' gasket! She argued her case for about 5 minutes (at the register no less).
I could see if she was 16 but in my opinion, what the hell does a 12 year want to wear thongs for? To be sexy? She's too young to be sexy! I don't want her to be sexy!! Not at 12....Needless to say she didn't quite get my point of view. Jesus, what's next? Douche? Crotchless panties? Condoms?
I shudder at the thought.

I think that just about wraps it up for today...I've got to do some cleaning before I head back to work, make it look like I've done something besides sit on my ass all day. Looks like the sun might finally make an appearance after all...