I would love to write something clever and witty but at the moment my head is filled with BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Hammering, the gnashing and grating sounds of heavy equipment and men barking orders at this one guy who must be "the" bitch". I think that has bothered me the most today is seeing this guy hauling and loading, probably sweating his ass off, while the others stand around watching and sipping their coffee.

That aside, I just got back from a visit with my mom at the Cape. The girls weren't too much trouble and we kept busy; the kids played mini golf, we hit the beach, and went to a great party at a friends house. I feel more at home there than I do here in CT. This town hangs over my head like a black cloud, it'll never be home to me. I am always homesick and have that feeling of being displaced.
Could be that it's a Pisces thing, or perhaps I was a pirate in my past life, I don't know...But I'm an ocean girl. Even during winter I love it. I'd love to live in a cottage at the top of a rocky cliff and listen to the waves crashing below. What a romantic notion, lol, but that's what I'd like.

So my mom insisted that we eat breakfast at one of the local Cafes, and that I must try the multi-grain pancakes and.....breakfast salad. I'm not a granola crunchin', oat munching kinda chick but I enjoy most food so figured I'd humor the Madre....And I won't be doing it again!! The hippies and health freaks- and apparently my mom; can all keep their multi-grain pancakes! It's just not right! If I want healthy I'll eat an apple. Speaking of healthy, why is it so damn hard for me to go to the gym and stay committed? It's like I have the Angel on the shoulder telling me "Go! Think of all the great clothes you'll be able to wear!!" And of course the Devil saying "Fuck it! Have your coffee and bagel! For all your hard work, you still won't look good naked!" Bastard!

I just don't want to morph into some fat old hag with several chins. I want to age with my dignity intact, not with boob sweat stains on my shirt or that sour cheesy smell *gagging* that fat old people are known for. I want to still be able to lean over and paint my toenails slut red even when I'm 80! Life freaks me out sometimes, like now...Because I'm afraid of aging, of becoming slowed down by arthritis, disease, the inevitable and things that I have little control over. So I go to the damn gym, I have no addictions except for coffee, so therefore my self esteem wavers. I LOVE smoking cigarettes. I do. But obviously it's an expensive self destructive habit which I put down 6 years ago. So to maintain the element of control, I only smoke when I drink, which I don't do nearly as often I'd like;) Aaaaahhh! Craziness...The human mind...The demons we fight and life goes on regardless.

~Glad to be me~

I sure as hell wouldn't want to be anyone else but...
I am not, when all is said and done; a diva.
Well maybe I am- but without the attitude! I can't stand bitches! I seldom feel any connection with women and have found many of them to be competitive, snarky, and two faced. Or maybe I'm just a snob, or unfriendly...But I don't think so;) I've got some cool girlfriends who understand why I don't call...They know that I love them but I'm busy with kids, work, house, family. They understand the difference between an anti-social snob and a tired mother. So I don't need to explain myself to them. I make the time when I have it. And I call when I know I won't be interrupted.

I don't know why I brought this up. Maybe it's me just feeling guilty that I haven't had a girls night out in forever...Kinda hard when the man's workin' 3rd shift and I'm collecting unemployment...It sucks, but there it is... I'm so bored!! I want to go dancing, smoke a joint, dye my hair a funky color, have a sweaty sex marathon, listen to my music instead of the repetitive "There's a Party in My Tummy" song on Yo Gabba Gabba! I want to wear the sexy summer clothes that are hanging in my closet! I'm restless and my mind is in overdrive, the clock is ticking and I'm just spinning my wheels...This too shall pass I'm sure.
I am criticized by certain people for being anti- social but I want to make it clear that I'm just not interested in your mundane, booze fueled, redneck inner circle. So take your Budweiser, shiny nail polish, crappy music and bare feet and just fuck off. Lol...damn.

Truth is, I love my own company...After the kids are in bed, I can write, play with my Tarot cards, light my incense and candles, drink a beer or two and chill. I don't know a single soul who does that. And that's fine...Really!