Thinking.....Again

So I just finished reading a book called "The Shack" that my friend Carol lent me....It's a work of fiction about a man who's little girl was abducted and murdered and how him and his family have coped (or not) with such an unspeakable tragedy, to make a long story short- he goes to the shack where she died and meets God and spends a weekend with him....



I'm not into God books, fiction or non...I didn't know this was going to be one until I started reading it and I must say it has stirred something inside me. It was one of the most saddest, yet comforting books I've ever read.

My comfort was short lived though because the way God was described in this book is the way I would like to believe he truly is, should he exist. That he's someone who has a sense of humor, loves us unconditionally, has compassion...That he makes his presence known to those who are dying, suffering and scared. And comforts them.



As I said, I would like to believe that, but it's hard for me to wrap my sceptical head around such a notion. I wish I could believe the way so many others do! I would never be scared again, I'd probably have less anxiety, I wouldn't feel so utterly helpless and alone when someone I love passes away.

In that book it talks about relationship, living through Jesus and unloading our burdens on him. That those of us who live independently from God (like myself) are living in the dark and so on...
But then it goes on to explain that God is with us wherever we go and that religious institutions aren't necessary to have a relationship with him (which alleviates some guilt for not going to church). But it also explains why God doesn't step in and stop children from dying (ugh, the thought alone sickens me), or end wars, or prevent tragic events...It's a hard pill to swallow but it makes sense...If it were true; my trouble is believing.

I am more aware of things now, where as before I didn't give much thought to how I constantly judge people (myself included)...How often someone will cut me off while I'm driving and I call them an asshole! More than likely, they probably are...Or at the very least, inconsiderate! But it's not me they'll have to answer to...But I will try and not be so quick to point my finger or form an opinion before I get all the info. I really just want to be a better person.

Personally I would like good, solid proof that God exists and loves us! The bible just doesn't cut it for me! I do appreciate the beauty in the world and different cultures, the miracles of modern technology and medicine, a spectacular sunset, and most of all the love of my children! These things make me feel closer to a higher power- Not going to church!
I prefer to sit and meditate in a field under the open sky and speak to my creator whether it be a he, she, or it....That's when I feel a connection.

It's funny how as we get older some of us grow curious as to why we're here, living this life, and wondering who is responsible for this beautiful but very fucked up mess? Where we'll eventually end up when our story's over...Will there be a sequel?

I really think too much, it's no wonder I live on 800mg ibuprofen!!
Maybe if I didn't have children this wouldn't matter to me as much...Or that I'm 31 and am at war with maturity and responsibility, lol....I just don't know.

What comes next?

I hate to be a morbid buzz kill... But then what can you expect from someone who loves to walk around cemeteries, listens to goth music, and watches Ghost Adventures? Death is no stranger to me, as it's taken friends and loved ones of mine away. Without hesitation, without mercy. It's always frequent and on time. It has no regard for age or sex. And it's such a done deal and so fucking final that it's silence is almost deafening.

I'm not obsessed with death or dying but I am certainly aware of its presence. Especially now that I'm getting older, and so is my mom and my children's grandparents. And the circle continues as it has for thousands of years.

I had a dream (or nightmare?) last night that I was trying to hang myself. I had a long leather belt thrown over a ceiling beam and it was tied around my neck. I was standing on some kind of laundry basket (damn laundry!) and would step off it, but the pain and pressure was excruciating and so I'd step back onto the basket...And I did this several times. So while this was going on, I kept thinking to myself that I want to live, I want to be with my girls and Troy, safe in my home. I was afraid of dying and being alone in some purgatory, or lost in the dark. It didn't seem peaceful, it seemed scary!! What really bothers me though, is that I had a similar dream the other night that my dad killed himself...This doesn't sit well with me. I am not close to my dad. I haven't seen or talked to him in years now, but I don't hate him. I wish he was a part of my life and I wish he loved me and my children...How can a parent not love their child? I'll never figure that one out...But I have given up any notion of having a relationship with him. He's a very unstable, insecure, irresponsible man who caused a lot of pain and hardship for my mom and I. But he's also funny, great with little kids (my fondest memories of him are from my early childhood), he was a good listener, we listened to the same music. I love him, and I wish him happiness. Period.
So I hope these odd-ball dreams go away. I'm tired, and life's troubles disturb my sleep all too often.

Wheels turning in my head once again

It was a fantastic weekend; hot, humid, busy and for the most part--fun. Friday was, as usual, a fucking fiasco but there's no avoiding it...So Saturday was a great day to go up to White Flower Farm and wander through the greenhouses. Gardening has become my passion...I'm desperate to grow gorgeous flowers and watch my shrubs and creeping phlox thrive. I love getting my hands dirty and helping to create new life and beauty in this world...Even if it is only in my yard:) So I took my girls with me in the hopes that they'd enjoy themselves. Sigh. Sometimes I just need to stop and pull my head outta my ass...How could I have assumed that my daughters could go ANYWHERE without arguing??? We could be anywhere from the Eiffel Tower to the pearly gates of heaven and they'd still find something to piss and moan about! Aaargh! It's so frustrating because my only intention is to have fun and enjoy the day with them, not be a friggin' referee! I swear I should just walk around with a fucking scoreboard around my neck!
So I still managed to grab a pretty shrub and a few hostas while Sage & Savannah raided the cookies and lemonade in the store...Hey, whatever it takes!
Afterward, we managed a peaceful walk around the boardwalk in Litchfield...Love that place, it holds so many special memories for me.

Soooo, Saturday night started out with planting said shrubs and drinking a beer, compliments of friend/nieghbor/cousin Jen;) who found me sweating and up to my elbows in dirt! Twenty minutes later it was a literal block party at the end of our road...I still can't figure that one out, but it was fantastic! The street was filled with all of our kids running around, filthy, laughing, free for the moment, and why don't I ever have my damn camera ready??? The men were manning the grill while others started a fire for smores....Or for burning Christmas trees. Why are guys such pyros?? Lol...And us girls, since we're good for nothing but standing around looking pretty, we drank our cocktails and beer...Oh, good times.

Life is too short not to grab these moments by the balls.

So for every pair of shoes I've tripped over in the dark, I'm grateful that their owner is alive and well and I love them no matter how much they frustrate me.

For all my bitching about the inevitable gray hairs that I find; well, honey I'm grateful there's hair dye cuz I'll be needing it real soon;)

Also I must say (as this came up during booze fueled conversation Saturday night) that I am so grateful that I haven't changed much over the last decade. Not to say I couldn't lose a few (ok more than a few) pounds, but overall I'm still recognizable!! I know that sounds gay as hell, but I look good, my hair rules and when I look at pics of myself ten years ago I only notice subtle changes, nothing too drastic. I've seen some people on Facebook that I went to school with and some look great and there are others that got fat, went bald, or totally let themselves go! I wouldn't have known who the hell they were if they hadn't listed their names! I fall somewhere in the middle of these guys- Lol...

Well, maybe I'm just kidding myself. If that's the case then just let me keep on living in my vane fantasy world!! Fuck it....

I could sit here drinking one cup of coffee after another...write about my very average married with children life, but I have to go back to work at my VERY below average, shitty fucking job...Until I figure out what I really want to do. Maybe I'll just get a tummy tuck and go work at Hooters;)