What I'd like to know is; how do people get their own shows on HGTV??? Like there's this new show called Blogger mom or some such shit, and out of aaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllll the women who, I'm sure blog about their kids runny noses, bowel size and frequency and the latest line of Gymboree clothes; they pick this one woman to have her OWN show!!! Why? Does she have a degree in motherhood? Blogging? Blow jobs? I'm really curious! Nobody has all the answers. I'm not a stay at home mom, I'm a school bus driver, and more often than not, I come home with a whopping headache only to hear..."What's for dinner?". Is that news?
And that's only the tip of the iceberg....For me and so many others.
What about those moms that have a child (or two) with disabilities or a disease?
Or wild tantrums? Shitty attitudes?
Step-Families??? I could keep on going!
These are tough challenges!
I'm lucky that my girls give me few problems. And yet I'm so fucking tired and my laundry pile makes me want to cry! I try to get it done, I do...and I'm really good at pretending that pile doesn't exist:o)
But as parents, don't we all suffer moments of justifiable insanity?
Why cram another "reality" show on T.V of a "Blogger" mom who does what we all do? Or probably less, for that matter if she's sitting on her ass all day writing. Must be so hard!! Don't even get me started:o) Lol....
My 12 year old just sent me a text telling me that I smell like Chinese nuts...And Savannah is picking her nose like her determination will win her a nose-picker-of-the-year trophy.Get me the hot-sauce!!!
Rather than cleaning the mess in the basement, my husband's off pursuing his dream of being a rockstar *sigh*.
My cat pissed on the stairs, I keep finding random pubic-like hairs on my face( and other random places)I need to pluck...Why do I have zits at 30??? They just don't go well with the gray hairs....Why does my tween act like she's the only one who's ever had a period? What the fuck? And this, in my opinion, is an uneventful day. It's called life people, my reality. A juggling act that women have been performing since the beginning of time. It's worthy of respect, praise and appreciation, but not a reality show.
Sorry.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Okay...Lets be honest
I have moments, like right now, when I tend to dwell on past issues that aren't relevant.They're ancient history but I'm more haunted than I realized because my feelings can get hurt as though I were in 8th grade all over again.
I always wanted to fit in, and I knew that I was just as good as anyone else but because of my "poor breeding" or "lousy pedigree" I would be treated like a second class citizen. Like I was a fucking dog disqualified from a show due to my "flaws". It's so easy to feel angry, and I was always pissed off at life and at the people who were responsible for showing me how to live it.
I sent a friend request to an old classmate of mine who I thought was a cool kid despite his tight-ass rich boy upbringing. He was funny and not biased, or so I thought, and we got along well. Anyway, he ignored my request and I'll admit it stung my pride. I guess Mr. king Shit with the hot shot job couldn't be bothered with the likes of me. Oh well, fuck em'. One thing I can say is that I have to stop blaming my "poor breeding" and dysfunctional childhood for all my problems. Ultimately we choose our own path and I could've chosen not to be a loser. That was my eventual choice but God it took me so long to figure out that in order to have a good life, I had to put down the weed and stop drinking and wallowing in self pity. I had to reinvent myself because those things gave me confidence and without it, I was able to see what a failure I really was. I never voiced these feelings to my husband because he doesn't get it. He watched with a bit of curiosity as I went through some changes and didn't question me. He always loved me regardless. I still like to have a few drinks and shake my booty but I've learned to mellow out, it's not a priority anymore. I'm lucky and everyday is a blessing, though some days I still struggle. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I wish I had a hot shot job but instead I chose to get married and have kids...Or have kids, then get married...Rather;o) Leave it to me to do everything ass backwards. But my girls are well mannered and sweet, Troy and I have a happy and solid marriage. So it doesn't seem fair that I drag my past around like a ball and chain. It shouldn't haunt me anymore. I'd give anything to forget the hurt and embarrassment....the grief.
And so I write, it's therapeutic and helps me put things into perspective. I'm fine...Really. Tomorrow's another day and I'm grateful to be healthy and loved by family and friends. Things aren't always as bad as they seem.
I always wanted to fit in, and I knew that I was just as good as anyone else but because of my "poor breeding" or "lousy pedigree" I would be treated like a second class citizen. Like I was a fucking dog disqualified from a show due to my "flaws". It's so easy to feel angry, and I was always pissed off at life and at the people who were responsible for showing me how to live it.
I sent a friend request to an old classmate of mine who I thought was a cool kid despite his tight-ass rich boy upbringing. He was funny and not biased, or so I thought, and we got along well. Anyway, he ignored my request and I'll admit it stung my pride. I guess Mr. king Shit with the hot shot job couldn't be bothered with the likes of me. Oh well, fuck em'. One thing I can say is that I have to stop blaming my "poor breeding" and dysfunctional childhood for all my problems. Ultimately we choose our own path and I could've chosen not to be a loser. That was my eventual choice but God it took me so long to figure out that in order to have a good life, I had to put down the weed and stop drinking and wallowing in self pity. I had to reinvent myself because those things gave me confidence and without it, I was able to see what a failure I really was. I never voiced these feelings to my husband because he doesn't get it. He watched with a bit of curiosity as I went through some changes and didn't question me. He always loved me regardless. I still like to have a few drinks and shake my booty but I've learned to mellow out, it's not a priority anymore. I'm lucky and everyday is a blessing, though some days I still struggle. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I wish I had a hot shot job but instead I chose to get married and have kids...Or have kids, then get married...Rather;o) Leave it to me to do everything ass backwards. But my girls are well mannered and sweet, Troy and I have a happy and solid marriage. So it doesn't seem fair that I drag my past around like a ball and chain. It shouldn't haunt me anymore. I'd give anything to forget the hurt and embarrassment....the grief.
And so I write, it's therapeutic and helps me put things into perspective. I'm fine...Really. Tomorrow's another day and I'm grateful to be healthy and loved by family and friends. Things aren't always as bad as they seem.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I hope everyone had a lovely Valentines Day...Me? I was hungover, my husband went to work and I just knew I had to get my sorry carcass out of bed cuz the world doesn't stop turning....even for me:o) We had celebrated my hubbys 30th birthday Saturday night (hence the hangover) with family and friends (It was the friends we got drunk with;o) and it's a nice reminder that I still have blood rather than ice water flowing through my veins. Or vodka perhaps?....Ohhh my poor liver! Anyway, so I went to Kohls with my m-i-l and Savannah on Sunday morning. Nothing like a good sale to make me forget about my throbbing head:o)
Soooo, really not much to write about. It's snowing (when isn't it??)and the kids and dog are outside rolling around in it so my house is momentarily peaceful.
I've been designing a tattoo that I want to get for my b-day and because I'm an earthy kinda girl and have the highest respect for mother nature, the phases of womanhood and the bond I share with my own mother and daughters and the celtic heritage we share...I thought the triple moon goddess would be perfect.
This is just to give you an idea what it will look like (minus the ivy). However my moons will be done in a celtic knot and in place of the spiral in the Goddesses core, I'll have the Triskel (I'll post pics when it's done).
Oh and for ha ha's I just had to show you this guys tat, it's sooo sexy! Click on the pic to see it in all it's feline glory:o)
Soooo, really not much to write about. It's snowing (when isn't it??)and the kids and dog are outside rolling around in it so my house is momentarily peaceful.
I've been designing a tattoo that I want to get for my b-day and because I'm an earthy kinda girl and have the highest respect for mother nature, the phases of womanhood and the bond I share with my own mother and daughters and the celtic heritage we share...I thought the triple moon goddess would be perfect.
This is just to give you an idea what it will look like (minus the ivy). However my moons will be done in a celtic knot and in place of the spiral in the Goddesses core, I'll have the Triskel (I'll post pics when it's done).
Oh and for ha ha's I just had to show you this guys tat, it's sooo sexy! Click on the pic to see it in all it's feline glory:o)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Why do I need to put a title on every aspect of my life??
I've been thinking about my little sister Holly today. Well, I usually give her a thought every day, but I had a dream last night that she had just given birth to a beautiful baby and we were sitting together on a hospital bed and I was holding her hand as we admired this new life. Of course my husband woke me from this peaceful dream at 5am to ask me where I put the W2's. WTF???? I was so pissed!! My sister's only 18 (I'm 12 years older), the same age I was when I had my first child. She's not pregnant (as far as I know!)but I haven't seen her in five years...I miss her so much that sometimes I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she's all grown up! Her and her mother moved to NY when she was 3 years old and up until that point I treated her like she was my own child. I was always over their house visiting, changing diapers, taking her for walks, to the playground, I took her everywhere with me. She was born during a very difficult time in my life and I was so thrilled to have this little ray of sunshine. So of course I was devastated when they moved....I never quite got over it I guess.
I saw her periodically throughout her childhood but still missed out on a HUGE portion of her life...Thanks Dad and Sandy, fuck you both.
(Sigh) I don't mean to sound immature but I'm still angry.
For years I always hoped that they would move back "home". Naturally hope has been replaced by me resigning to the fact that Holly is home, she's grown up in NY, gone to school, made friends and put down roots. More than likely she'll get married and have her children grow up there also. I understand that time slipped away during her teen years as she went through all the changes that teenagers go through without much thought for me. No one understands better than I do. And so I'm not hurt, none of this was her fault.
And so you probably wonder why I don't drive 4 hours to visit her....I'm not willing to stay in the same house as her mother, and staying at my dads house (trailer??) is out of the question. I'd get a hotel but I can't even get in touch with her. Even if I did, what would I say to her? What is there to talk about? I knew the child so well; she liked my cooking, or when I painted her nails, snuggled with her on the couch while watching the Lion King 50 million times, she even shared my morbid love of ghost stories and cemeteries. And I can only guess her memories of those times are vague compared to mine. I cherish those memories. And it burns my ass that we are now practically strangers. It's left such a void in my heart. Whenever Savannah sees a pic of my sister when she was little she asks "Is that me?" because they look so much alike.
So I'm going to memorize every detail of my dream last night and be grateful for that short "visit".
I wish things were different, but what can you do?
My only hope is that when she too becomes a domesticated diva like her big sis, she'll come around.
I saw her periodically throughout her childhood but still missed out on a HUGE portion of her life...Thanks Dad and Sandy, fuck you both.
(Sigh) I don't mean to sound immature but I'm still angry.
For years I always hoped that they would move back "home". Naturally hope has been replaced by me resigning to the fact that Holly is home, she's grown up in NY, gone to school, made friends and put down roots. More than likely she'll get married and have her children grow up there also. I understand that time slipped away during her teen years as she went through all the changes that teenagers go through without much thought for me. No one understands better than I do. And so I'm not hurt, none of this was her fault.
And so you probably wonder why I don't drive 4 hours to visit her....I'm not willing to stay in the same house as her mother, and staying at my dads house (trailer??) is out of the question. I'd get a hotel but I can't even get in touch with her. Even if I did, what would I say to her? What is there to talk about? I knew the child so well; she liked my cooking, or when I painted her nails, snuggled with her on the couch while watching the Lion King 50 million times, she even shared my morbid love of ghost stories and cemeteries. And I can only guess her memories of those times are vague compared to mine. I cherish those memories. And it burns my ass that we are now practically strangers. It's left such a void in my heart. Whenever Savannah sees a pic of my sister when she was little she asks "Is that me?" because they look so much alike.
So I'm going to memorize every detail of my dream last night and be grateful for that short "visit".
I wish things were different, but what can you do?
My only hope is that when she too becomes a domesticated diva like her big sis, she'll come around.
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