Thinking.....Again

So I just finished reading a book called "The Shack" that my friend Carol lent me....It's a work of fiction about a man who's little girl was abducted and murdered and how him and his family have coped (or not) with such an unspeakable tragedy, to make a long story short- he goes to the shack where she died and meets God and spends a weekend with him....



I'm not into God books, fiction or non...I didn't know this was going to be one until I started reading it and I must say it has stirred something inside me. It was one of the most saddest, yet comforting books I've ever read.

My comfort was short lived though because the way God was described in this book is the way I would like to believe he truly is, should he exist. That he's someone who has a sense of humor, loves us unconditionally, has compassion...That he makes his presence known to those who are dying, suffering and scared. And comforts them.



As I said, I would like to believe that, but it's hard for me to wrap my sceptical head around such a notion. I wish I could believe the way so many others do! I would never be scared again, I'd probably have less anxiety, I wouldn't feel so utterly helpless and alone when someone I love passes away.

In that book it talks about relationship, living through Jesus and unloading our burdens on him. That those of us who live independently from God (like myself) are living in the dark and so on...
But then it goes on to explain that God is with us wherever we go and that religious institutions aren't necessary to have a relationship with him (which alleviates some guilt for not going to church). But it also explains why God doesn't step in and stop children from dying (ugh, the thought alone sickens me), or end wars, or prevent tragic events...It's a hard pill to swallow but it makes sense...If it were true; my trouble is believing.

I am more aware of things now, where as before I didn't give much thought to how I constantly judge people (myself included)...How often someone will cut me off while I'm driving and I call them an asshole! More than likely, they probably are...Or at the very least, inconsiderate! But it's not me they'll have to answer to...But I will try and not be so quick to point my finger or form an opinion before I get all the info. I really just want to be a better person.

Personally I would like good, solid proof that God exists and loves us! The bible just doesn't cut it for me! I do appreciate the beauty in the world and different cultures, the miracles of modern technology and medicine, a spectacular sunset, and most of all the love of my children! These things make me feel closer to a higher power- Not going to church!
I prefer to sit and meditate in a field under the open sky and speak to my creator whether it be a he, she, or it....That's when I feel a connection.

It's funny how as we get older some of us grow curious as to why we're here, living this life, and wondering who is responsible for this beautiful but very fucked up mess? Where we'll eventually end up when our story's over...Will there be a sequel?

I really think too much, it's no wonder I live on 800mg ibuprofen!!
Maybe if I didn't have children this wouldn't matter to me as much...Or that I'm 31 and am at war with maturity and responsibility, lol....I just don't know.

What comes next?

I hate to be a morbid buzz kill... But then what can you expect from someone who loves to walk around cemeteries, listens to goth music, and watches Ghost Adventures? Death is no stranger to me, as it's taken friends and loved ones of mine away. Without hesitation, without mercy. It's always frequent and on time. It has no regard for age or sex. And it's such a done deal and so fucking final that it's silence is almost deafening.

I'm not obsessed with death or dying but I am certainly aware of its presence. Especially now that I'm getting older, and so is my mom and my children's grandparents. And the circle continues as it has for thousands of years.

I had a dream (or nightmare?) last night that I was trying to hang myself. I had a long leather belt thrown over a ceiling beam and it was tied around my neck. I was standing on some kind of laundry basket (damn laundry!) and would step off it, but the pain and pressure was excruciating and so I'd step back onto the basket...And I did this several times. So while this was going on, I kept thinking to myself that I want to live, I want to be with my girls and Troy, safe in my home. I was afraid of dying and being alone in some purgatory, or lost in the dark. It didn't seem peaceful, it seemed scary!! What really bothers me though, is that I had a similar dream the other night that my dad killed himself...This doesn't sit well with me. I am not close to my dad. I haven't seen or talked to him in years now, but I don't hate him. I wish he was a part of my life and I wish he loved me and my children...How can a parent not love their child? I'll never figure that one out...But I have given up any notion of having a relationship with him. He's a very unstable, insecure, irresponsible man who caused a lot of pain and hardship for my mom and I. But he's also funny, great with little kids (my fondest memories of him are from my early childhood), he was a good listener, we listened to the same music. I love him, and I wish him happiness. Period.
So I hope these odd-ball dreams go away. I'm tired, and life's troubles disturb my sleep all too often.

Wheels turning in my head once again

It was a fantastic weekend; hot, humid, busy and for the most part--fun. Friday was, as usual, a fucking fiasco but there's no avoiding it...So Saturday was a great day to go up to White Flower Farm and wander through the greenhouses. Gardening has become my passion...I'm desperate to grow gorgeous flowers and watch my shrubs and creeping phlox thrive. I love getting my hands dirty and helping to create new life and beauty in this world...Even if it is only in my yard:) So I took my girls with me in the hopes that they'd enjoy themselves. Sigh. Sometimes I just need to stop and pull my head outta my ass...How could I have assumed that my daughters could go ANYWHERE without arguing??? We could be anywhere from the Eiffel Tower to the pearly gates of heaven and they'd still find something to piss and moan about! Aaargh! It's so frustrating because my only intention is to have fun and enjoy the day with them, not be a friggin' referee! I swear I should just walk around with a fucking scoreboard around my neck!
So I still managed to grab a pretty shrub and a few hostas while Sage & Savannah raided the cookies and lemonade in the store...Hey, whatever it takes!
Afterward, we managed a peaceful walk around the boardwalk in Litchfield...Love that place, it holds so many special memories for me.

Soooo, Saturday night started out with planting said shrubs and drinking a beer, compliments of friend/nieghbor/cousin Jen;) who found me sweating and up to my elbows in dirt! Twenty minutes later it was a literal block party at the end of our road...I still can't figure that one out, but it was fantastic! The street was filled with all of our kids running around, filthy, laughing, free for the moment, and why don't I ever have my damn camera ready??? The men were manning the grill while others started a fire for smores....Or for burning Christmas trees. Why are guys such pyros?? Lol...And us girls, since we're good for nothing but standing around looking pretty, we drank our cocktails and beer...Oh, good times.

Life is too short not to grab these moments by the balls.

So for every pair of shoes I've tripped over in the dark, I'm grateful that their owner is alive and well and I love them no matter how much they frustrate me.

For all my bitching about the inevitable gray hairs that I find; well, honey I'm grateful there's hair dye cuz I'll be needing it real soon;)

Also I must say (as this came up during booze fueled conversation Saturday night) that I am so grateful that I haven't changed much over the last decade. Not to say I couldn't lose a few (ok more than a few) pounds, but overall I'm still recognizable!! I know that sounds gay as hell, but I look good, my hair rules and when I look at pics of myself ten years ago I only notice subtle changes, nothing too drastic. I've seen some people on Facebook that I went to school with and some look great and there are others that got fat, went bald, or totally let themselves go! I wouldn't have known who the hell they were if they hadn't listed their names! I fall somewhere in the middle of these guys- Lol...

Well, maybe I'm just kidding myself. If that's the case then just let me keep on living in my vane fantasy world!! Fuck it....

I could sit here drinking one cup of coffee after another...write about my very average married with children life, but I have to go back to work at my VERY below average, shitty fucking job...Until I figure out what I really want to do. Maybe I'll just get a tummy tuck and go work at Hooters;)

Just a thought....

Why do people break up with someone, only to hook up with someone who shares certain interests and physical features of their ex? Such as style, music, likes ,dislikes etc...I just find it odd....The only thing any of my ex's have in common with my husband is music/ musicians/alcohol issues....I've always liked variety....I think dorky guys can be cute but I prefer big tall guys....Like my husband, and he's got very dark hair and eyes (lord knows where our daughter came from! She looks just like him but has blond hair and my blue eyes:o) Yay for that!
But sticking to the subject, I can understand going for someone who shares common interests, makes sense. But I personally have never gone out with guys that share certain physical features. I wouldn't want to confuse them with my ex!! Lol...seriously! My last boyfriend before I met Troy was tall, blond, muscular, very good looking....and an alcoholic:o(
The one before him was psychotic, dorky, wore glasses and was a fuckin' pothead:o(
Sage's dad was tall, slim/muscular (at the time), had red hair and was an alcoholic:o(
And the biggest fuckhead I ever dated was a curly haired Italian runt...and a major drug addict....Do you not notice the pattern? They all looked different, each one had (some) likeable qualities , a couple were musicians, but they were all substance abusers.
Even my husband has alcohol issues, I won't lie. It's made our relationship/marriage extremely difficult at times. We were in our early 20's when we hooked up and I just figured he'd outgrow it.

I just wonder what it is within ourselves that draws us to a certain kind of person? I never sought out drug users and alcoholics. I used to enjoy doing that shit too but it never was an issue for me until someone else got involved. I kind of contradict myself, I know. I wouldn't have been hooking up with losers if I hadn't been hanging around with them and taking part in the "fun". But I was just having a good time, I wasn't looking to invest in a life of addiction.

And so I met Troy and saw someone who liked to have fun. Too much fun, but unlike the others he had a good sense of responsibility. He seemed "normal", I knew he wasn't a pervert that would try to molest my child, he had a good job and went to work nomatter what. He was going to school to further his career. I was attracted to that because I'm no slouch. I've lived on my own, was a single mother, took care of myself and my child without help from the state. Wasn't easy. But I was happy, I didn't need a man to support my ass or make me happy. I didn't need Troy (or want him at first, lol...) but eventually I did want him:o)

What sets him apart from the others is that he sees the error of his ways, he makes an effort to right the wrongs, he's a good father, a good provider and a huge pain in my ass, but he's mine. No ones perfect,but I can only put up with so much bullshit and I think he knows that.

*Sigh*

I'm past tired and this rant was weird, but I just couldn't help thinking about it today...I'm always facinated by what the human race has up it's sleeve....

*Happy 420*

Not like I get to enjoy it but I can reminisce on old memories....yes I can;)
It's really great to be back with old friends...Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be sitting around a table drinking beer again with Carol, Bea & Bri...It's funny because we all quit smoking cigarettes....years ago we'd be sitting in a cloud (of not just cigarette smoke either) and I just remember watching it swirl as we moved around the room. Now we have kids and have to watch our language and we have jobs that require us to be good...well, I do anyway:o( We must be good, well behaved adults, lol. You'd think that after driving a bus full of noisy kids, and dealing with asshole drivers on the road all day- that it would be great to come home, plug in my ipod and spark up a dooby! Damn...
When I was about 14 I met my friend Stacy, and honestly I tried to keep up, but that girl could smoke me under the table! Sorry Stac - But you of all people were the most hardcore chic I ever knew! Lol...But I thank you for putting up with me! Hope you don't mind me mentioning it.
I consider myself lucky to have been a teenager in the 90's...The music was awesome, I had cool friends, got my first tattoo, rollerskating was still considered cool, you could still party in the parking lot at what used to be called "The Meadows"...And no, the "parties" that go on there now can't even come close to the chaotic days of old.
My bedroom window was like the 420 drive-thru...My friends and I would be chillin' in my room listening to Nirvana and I used to have a green lightbulb and would turn it on at night so the neighborhood kids would come by.
Yeah, maybe it was "Loser Central", call it whatever you like - But I called it a damn good time. I guess I was your typical parents worst nightmare for awhile, but it's all good.

I could write a book, but my life has been rather ordinary so my stories would be comparable to many of my peers. It was fun though, and some crazy shit went down...But some stories are better left untold. Except for the one time when I was 17, I was buzzed on codine cough syrup (yuck) and my stepfather comes in my room carrying a big paper bag (picture a cross between Chong and Big Lebowski), and drops it on my bed. He's like "I don't need these anymore so I thought you might like em", then walks out (he really was a major asshole, this was one of the few times he showed any coolness).
Inside, the bag was full of bongs from the late 60's and early 70's.
They were the craziest looking things (and worked great).
Don't know what I did with them....But they are long gone now...

I really am not the most liberal person and I don't condone drug use. I've seen what hardcore drug use has done to people and have known many that have died from using them....But I have yet to see anyone O.D on weed.
I never sucked someones dick as a trade off for weed...Never that desperate, sorry! Nor did I lie, cheat and steal to get weed, however I was likely to raid your cabinets for food when struck with the munchies - that's it.
I was never addicted to it. However it's probably to blame for my lack of motivation to do anything useful career-wise. But whatever.....

That's my drug addled rant of the day...Peace!

Random crap...

First order of the day is coffee!
I'm really trying to just pick up and move foward. Work started back up this week (bluuurg) and my garden needs tending to.
I never realized weeds could be such a relentless enemy! Who knew?

As you may know (or not) I've been grieving the loss of Peter Steele of my favorite band Type O Negative. A talented and troubled man... I take these things to heart...I really do. I took this news very hard....But I can't lay down and die with him (I think Troy would be a little bit pissed;).
So I'm cleaning, blogging, and I'll tackle those fucking weeds later.

I'm really hoping that Sage pulls her head out of her ass and buckles down in school...The year's almost over and my hair's steadily turning gray!
We always picture our kids doing better than us and I feel that's how it should be. I don't pray often, and when I do I usually end up falling asleep in the process *sigh* but I'm praying that she'll pull it together and show her libtard teachers what she's made of (I mean come on, she's my kid! Let's kick some ass!)
I sucked in school too- However, I had a few distractions such as my parents divorce which was rather messy, relocation, death, health issues and a whole bunch of other shit to keep my mind off any academic subject matter. My daughter has never known that kind of life, she didn't have to grow up fast. Instead she acts like a clueless 12 year old who takes everything for granted! WTF???? I'm at a loss.... And I'm tired of dwelling on it because it depresses me to no end.

So how 'bout that "How To Train Your Dragon" movie??? Anyone see it?
I thought it was fantastic, or course that's the advantage to having children- I get to relive my childhood vicariously through them. I took the girls to see it Saturday night, we ate popcorn doused with extra butter, Reeces pieces, diet soda (why bother, I know...) and I'm sure it all went straight to my ass.
Great! But it cheered me up and the girls seemed to enjoy it.
I also took them to that Indian Meuseum in Washington last Thursday. I could've sworn it was much cooler than it really was. I went as a child and I thought it was great. Wasn't there a tee-pee? Or some such shit? Because all they had was a bunch of clay pots and arrow heads (big fuckin' deal) and a few huts out back made of tree bark! I was sorely disappointed! Here I thought I was being a really awesome parent by taking my kids to see something cultural, some early American history and all that....It sucked out loud, don't waste your time going there, seriously.

On that happy note, I'm done with my coffee, the dog's scratching at the door and the laundry's not going to fold itself so ....that's all folks;P

Sad

I don't know what it is....If it's the kind of person I am and that's why I'm attracted to those that are doomed, or what -but I am seriously fucking bummed out. I love art and music and I am drawn to the darker side I guess you could say. I love mystery, goth, intrigue and sex (obviously). I adore the band Type O Negative. And I've had a major "thing" for the frontman Peter Steele for years. He's been "the other man" in my life for years and I've always enjoyed making my husband jealous over my infatuation. It was fun, especially with the Playgirl pics (woooooo!!!).
But Peter passed away last night.
They said it was heart failure, but it was probably drugs, it always is. And I can totally understand addiction. When you're a kid, drugs are a way to rebel and have a good time. When you get older it's about easing the hurt in your life, and escaping from the day to day bullshit.
I just can't wrap my head around this one though....My husband and I expected this to happen at some point, however I always dreaded the day I'd have to mourn Peter Steeles death. And here it is, so I'm drinking red wine in his honor and trying to sort out my feelings. Many people would find my reaction stupid, which is fine- whatever. I don't care.
But my soul is aching for comfort and for answers! I don't need to know someone personally to care about them! I've spent many a night listening to Black #1 and September Sun as well as countless other songs by Type O Negative that made me feel alive and happy. I remember being in the audience at Toads Place and feeling a physical and mental connection...It's magic. And if someone can move me that much, then to me they are special. I don't care what their hang ups are. I'm just sorry they have them. And I'm sorry that there will never be another Type O Negative album. I'm sorry that Peter couldn't find happiness in life. Some people, I believe, are just not meant to survive in this world. No matter how tough, tall, strong, or bad a person may seem; they can still be fragile.

I hope there is a God and that he's as good as many seem to believe. I want to believe, but it's so hard. I admire peope who have such faith in God and no doubts whatsoever in his plan for us. I almost envy them because if I had that kind of faith, I probably wouldn't be so down as I am....